Zyngle Dating Blog

Let your Confidence Shine

5/10/2012 10:02:07 AM

Let me ask you this… With your on-line dating search do you prefer someone who is mousy and withdrawn, who lets you make all the decisions or would you rather date someone who knows their mind, who has opinions of their own? Some of you would pick the first option, however, I and I dare say, most men and women out there prefer the later. I once dated a smoking hot guy who had neither personality nor an opinion of his own, “Where do you want to eat?” “I don’t care, where do you want to eat?” I mean everything we talked about he would just agree with me….Boring!! It was such a turn off! As you can surely guess, we never made it past the first date. Don’t get me wrong, It is flattering when you your date asks your opinion or gives you an option and values your choice but I’m here to tell you it is unattractive to not have the confidence to voice your own opinion. Here’s a confidence booster and some know how to help you walk the fine line between being confident and being arrogant.

1. Don’t be rude: It’s important to voice your opinion without sounding like a “know it all” or making the other person feel stupid.

2. Make some of your own decisions: Choose the restaurant for your date. Don’t play the “I don’t know what do you want” game! We’re too old for that. Take them to some of your favorite places and let them plan the next date. That’s part of the fun of a new relationship exploring new places and things with this person!

3. Be self-confident, not self-important: A person who exudes self-confidence can make every head turn when they walk into a room. We’ve all seen it. A person who exudes self-importance can clear a room just as quickly. The difference is simple, self confidence is when you know who you are and are comfortable in your own skin. Self-importance is when you feel that you are more important and better then everyone else in the room. (Usually very uncomfortable in their own skin and trying to hide it with their boisterous personality.)

4. Maintain your own identity: When you’re in a new relationship it is easy to get swept up and carried away. Be careful not to lose yourself in the relationship. Often times when we are falling in love or even “heavy like” we can easily blow off our friends and family. Don’t. Make sure you keep your own identity, your own goals and desires. It is always more interesting when both parties can bring something different to the table. It is important to give your date the same luxury, respect their time with friends and pursuing their own hobbies. It’s not always about you and it shouldn’t be.

Confidence is a beautiful thing but can also be elusive. If your self-confidence is waning do something you’ve always wanted to do, complete a goal or hang out with your best friends. Doing things you love or being around others that make you feel good or completing a goal can boost your psyche, your self-confidence and empower you to keep gaining momentum. You got this!

Keep Your On-Line Dating Safe!

5/10/2012 10:01:14 AM

With millions logging on each day around the world, on-line dating continues to be the #1 way to meet someone. In this new digital age it is easier to be fooled when not meeting someone face to face. Anyone can say or do anything when hiding behind a screen, perhaps hundreds of miles away. People tend to become bolder and colder without giving it a second thought, easily disappearing as quickly as they appeared. While it is still a safe way to meet that special someone there are a few tips and tricks to be aware of to make your experience a positive and productive one - yielding the results you are hoping for.

1. Be discreet – Leave something to the imagination. Don’t share every detail of your life on your profile. Don’t use a provocative photo if it sends the wrong message about you. It is suggested to be somewhat vague in sharing information regarding what you do and where you live. Don’t give away too much information about yourself until you’re confident in whom you’re really talking to.

2. Post an original photo to your profile – (meaning one not currently uploaded to other social media outlets) Did you know someone can grab your picture from your profile page, do a reverse image search and it will link them to your Facebook, Twitter or any other social media format in which that picture id posted. Be diligent and post an original photo on your profile page.

3. Do not share your personal or professional email address or your phone number in your profile. By using a unique email address, (meaning something other than your personal or professional email) you will not only make it easier to read and track all your possibilities in one place but it will help to keep your private information…well, private. Keep in mind, potential dates can, and many will, Google your name or reverse look-up your phone number for your address.

4. On Your Terms – The purpose of on-line dating is not to re-invent yourself or try new things as much as it is to find someone you’re compatible with who falls in love with who you truly are without the facades. Part of the beauty of being somewhat anonymous on line is it empowers you to make those tougher calls. You’ll know very quickly if you want to take an on line meeting into the real world and if you don’t, say so. It never has to progress further than YOU want and that’s pretty cool.

5. Trust your gut – if it doesn’t FEEL right, it IS NOT RIGHT. Trust your instincts, it’s the most reliable receptor we have.

On-line dating is fun, exciting bringing new possibilities to your inbox practically every hour. You will most likely receive quite a bit of “junk mail” but sift through it and find those that really speak to you and you’re in the driver seat, YOU get to decide where this car is headed. Happy Dating!!

Pay attention to me!

4/13/2012 5:04:36 PM

Pay attention! When your date can’t concentrate

This is your first real date since you started with the on-line dating site, Zyngle. You’ve been looking forward to this date all week! At long last, the night is upon you. You’re decked out in your best duds and he/she takes you to a hot new restaurant; so far so good. While you peruse the menu you notice your date is more interested in their phone…ok, not a big deal…yet. You’ve decided on the Chicken Parmesan. The server comes by, your date is startled by their presence; hasn’t even had a chance to look yet! You put your menu down and start checking out the décor, the other couples. All the while he/she is sending a text or checking an email…etc. Clearly distracted, your date is only half listening to you, his/hers ears may be perked but their eyes remain fixed on their phone. Suddenly you start to feel unimportant…then irritated. How rude!

Relationships are communication. We all have a lot of social media demands. Email, Texts, Games, etc. There is a time and place for everything and this is NOT that time. When you’re out on a date you need to be on your date NOT on the phone! You can’t engage in conversation when you’re distracted by that incoming message. Turn your phone off or on silent. Look your date in the eyes when they talk to you. Make them feel like they are the only one on the planet at that moment that matters. This will garner you some major points and make your date feel very special.

Your friends won’t turn their backs on you if you don’t respond in a millisecond to their unimportant LOL text and your date will certainly appreciate your constraint. When you stay connected and present you send the message that there is no place you’d rather be and no one you’d rather be with. The texts can wait, but your date shouldn’t have to.

Communicate Before You Date

3/16/2012 4:29:26 PM

On-line dating can be fun. It’s exciting to check your in-box and have several messages of adoration and dating prospects. On-line dating also offers you the unique opportunity to communicate before you date. You will learn much about your prospective date by exchanging emails and/or phone calls long before stepping into that restaurant on your first date.

By communicating first you will learn what kind of communicator that person is. Some people are very forth-coming and like to lay it all out on the line. Others not-so-much, it’s like pulling teeth to get more than a one-word answer from them. Part of any relationship with a chance of intimacy is communication. For a woman, especially, it is very important to feel connected on an emotional level in order to become intimate with a new partner.

Laurie Moore, Ph.D., author of Creative Intimacy and Choosing a Life Mate Wisely, advises people to choose a partner with whom they have enough in common. "You need some foundation from which communication can flow well from the beginning," says Dr Moore. If you have nothing in common it is extremely difficult to find common ground. To have anything to talk about you have to know and care about the same topics. It’s a very lonely relationship when you don’t share common interests, you or they will begin to look outside of the relationship to make those important connections.

If it is you that has trouble communicating then that is likely a big part of the reason you’re not currently involved. A relationship can only go so far without proper communication and negotiation. How do you become a better communicator and therefore have better connections and relationships with those around you?

#1 – Listen – Try not to become defensive or upset, truly listen and mirror what they said so they know you heard them. Often times we are thinking about our response and not really listening to their completed thought, which means our response isn’t necessarily going to be reflective of their feelings.

#2 – Try to understand their point of view – You’ve heard the old adage – ‘walk a mile in someone else’s shoes’ to truly understand them and its true. Without trying to see things from their perspective you’re seeing things one-sided and that is a much skewed view.

#3- You don’t have to be right – Many arguments spur from both people wanting to be right. Choose your battles; is it more important to be right or to end the fight? Try to find some common ground. Agree to disagree. Nothing changes truth, whether they agree or not - they can say the sky is pink, but it doesn’t change the truth. Decide if its really worth the argument? Don’t waste your energy trying to prove yourself.

Make your date feel heard. Everyone needs to talk about their day and to feel like they matter to someone. Good communication breeds happier relations.

2012 –A Good Year to Fall in Love!

3/16/2012 4:27:54 PM

With a New Year and Valentine’s Day recently past there is talk around the water cooler about romance and on-line dating in 2012. I’ve rounded up some numbers that I think you’ll find very interesting in a poll done by CheapSally.com:

- Nearly 44% of Americans are single! - There is someone for everyone and with almost half of American’s looking for love, you’re likely to find it.

- 86 single men to 100 single women – Men may have the upper hand in this scenario. Ladies knowing this, keep your profile updated and always make a lasting first impression.

Top 5 places to snag a date, and find your mate:

1. Lincoln, NE (51% single men, 51% single women)

2. Madison, WI (58% single men, 61% single women)

3. Gainsville, FL (73% single men, 75% single women)

4. Washington DC (69% single men,74% single women)

5. Austin, TX (57% single men, 57% single women)

- 58% of women would prefer a causal, coffee or lunch date over a fancy first date

- 33% of men and 10 % of women fall in love on the first date

- 49% of singles fell in love with their best friend that they weren’t attracted to in the first place

- 4 of 10 work place romances result in marriage

- On-line dating memberships jumped 20% the first two months of 2012

- 40% of single Americans use an on-line dating site

What’s all this mean to you? It means chances are looking awfully good for 2012 to be your year to fall in love! You’re true love awaits! What are you waiting for!!??

The Green Eyed Monster - Jealousy in your Relationship

2/13/2012 2:46:44 PM

At first it can be endearing, when your boyfriend/girlfriend gets jealous, you may think , “Ah how sweet, he/she must REALLY love me! It gets old, real fast. Let’s face it, jealousy can lurk in the least likely places and when it rears its ugly head it can be a quick to damage any relationship. Often when we first begin dating we don’t have a lot of confidence in the new relationship. Especially if you were burned your last relationship, it tends to stick with you and you find yourself on edge – almost expecting for history to repeat itself and determined to stop it! I was once in a relationship where my boyfriend was very jealous. He was convinced that I wanted to sleep with any man I talked to – in his mind, talking = flirting which would lead straight to bed! It was very hard to deal with and I found myself getting nervous if another man so much as glanced in my direction. I wouldn’t want to strike up a conversation with anyone to avoid an inevitable and completely ridiculous confrontation. I finally decided that my feelings mattered more than his unnecessary jealousy and I would no longer dull my personality to fit his insatiable needs. If my partner didn’t like it then he could move on. You should never change who you are for your partner. It is another form of control for them. Jealousy = low self esteem – and it’s not your problem it’s theirs. Once I started acting like myself again, he started to ease up and as he became more comfortable and confident in our relationship, the jealousy subsided. We were able to work through it, thank goodness, but many couples don’t.

Or maybe the shoe is on the other foot and you’re the jealous one. Maybe your boyfriend/girlfriend has a lot of friends of the opposite sex and it drives you crazy. You are always suspicious and can’t help but look through their car, phone, drawers, bathroom cabinets, etc. whenever you get the chance. I’m here to warn you, no one likes to be on a leash. You must TRUST your partner in order for a healthy relationship to progress or you will end up driving yourself crazy and your partner right out the door. Being jealous means you feel inferior to whom you are directing your jealousy, you feel like they will make your partner happier, will be a better lover, have more money, are better looking – etc. etc. etc. STOP!! You are who you are and you want, no, you NEED to be with someone that appreciates YOU for who you are, quirks and all. If you partner is going to cheat, they are going to cheat and if they do, they aren’t worth your time, eventually you will move on and get over it. You have no control over anyone but yourself and the sooner you realize that the more comfortable and confident you will become in all of your relationships and most importantly with yourself.

Control Yourself!

2/13/2012 2:45:21 PM

Are you one of the many that feels the need to control their surroundings, even people and events? Or perhaps you’re dating someone like that. Many people fall into this trap; desperately trying to control others and situations when really no one has control. Not even you. This could be a real deal breaker for a new relationship and could be a sign of what ended your or their last.
Your feelings, needs and wants matter. You want to be with someone that brings out the best in you, not feel like you’re under the microscope. Here are some things to look out for in your own relationships to make sure you catch the warning signs of a controlling partner.
1. Does this person make you feel tense and walk on egg shells? Do you reevaluate what you were going to say or do to make this other person happy? What you have to say matters. You shouldn’t have to censor yourself when you’re with your loved ones. They should accept you for who you are - quirks and all.
2. Are your friends and family warning you or telling you that you act different around this new partner? It’s important not to turn your back on your support group. Your friends and family know you and love you and can probably see some things you may be blind to. It’s easy to discount one person but if several are trying to tell you something– at least consider their arguments.
3. Is your date excessively jealous or distrustful? Do they want to know where, when and who you were with and what took you so long doing it? Do they go through your phone? This level of distrust is damaging and you have to remember that you shouldn’t have to explain yourself all the time. It is especially important that you stay true to yourself and not try to morph into this person that your partner “thinks” you should be. Healthy relationships have nothing to hide or defend.
4. Is it a fair “give and take?” - You should never have to feel guilty for doing what you need to do. As soon as your date says, “Why are you studying? You should be hanging out with me! How rude!” What’s rude is not letting your loved ones do what they need to do. Your significant other should bring out the best in you and help push you towards your goals, not take you from them. If you find yourself having to choose between important events and people and your boyfriend or girlfriend, you’re in trouble.
5. Does he like you for you are or is he trying to change you into someone else he wants you to be? Does he tell you that you’d make him happy if only you did __________? Well I’m here to tell you – YOU will never MAKE THEM HAPPY. We all are responsible for own happiness. Don’t fall into the trap of jumping through invisible hoops to make your partner happy. If they aren’t happy with themselves, all of your efforts will be made in vain. Usually the most controlling individuals are also the most miserable. And misery loves company. Don’t volunteer.
Control can happen slowly over time, you give away your power, piece by piece. The signs can be subtle. If you find that some of these things pertain to you, it’s time to take a good hard look at your relationship. Old habits die hard. Decide if this is the kind of person, the kind of relationship you want to be in for the long haul? It may be time to bail on this one. Have the confidence and love for yourself not to allow someone to treat you in this way. Stand up for yourself. You deserve more than that and only you can go out and find it.

When Your On-Line Date becomes Your Mate: When it’s time to Meet the Family

2/13/2012 2:25:22 PM

So you’ve been at this on-line dating thing for a while now and at long last you think you may have found “the one.” He/she invites you over to meet her parents, perhaps a brother, sister-in-law and a couple of kids as well; in some cased, it may even be her own children you will be meeting. You oblige with a smile then the anxiety sets in as the day nears. What if they don’t like you? What if you don’t like them? You’ve already run the list of excuses to get out of it, to no avail. This is happening. Wipe the sweat from your brow, put on your best sweater vest or conservative dress, buy some flowers, maybe a bottle of wine or lap tops for the kids (kids are more advanced these days, no longer can you get away with the simple teddy bear! ?)
What if your worst fears are confirmed? What happens when things aren’t all blissful and magical like? What do you do if the kids shoot rubber bands at the back of your head, her father doesn’t like tattoos (and your covered with them) or her mother thinks long hair = lazy bum and yours hasn’t been cut in four years? Save face and stand with grace. This is an important meeting. It not only signifies the “next step” in your relationship but also is a telling sign of how well you mesh with your new girlfriends’ or boyfriends closest loved ones. Try to be the bigger person. Choose your words and actions carefully and weigh how important it is to “be right.”
If it’s the family, have that second glass of wine and take comfort in knowing you will only have to endure this on holidays and special occasions. Be true to yourself and let them know they are making you uncomfortable. They are just people to and will respect you more if you respect yourself enough to stand up. If that doesn’t work, simply excuse yourself from the table or even the home, take a walk and a deep breath to regain your composure.
However if it is the children you do not get along with, especially if they are still youngsters, you better make sure you’re good and ready to take on this heavy responsibility. It may take some time for them to warm up to you. This is new for all of you, they may need some time to adjust, don’t be pushy, let it happen naturally and organically, it cannot be forced.
You will need to decide what is a deal breaker for you. Are you willing to compromise and tolerate them for the sake of your companion. It’s not fair to put your girlfriend/boyfriend in the most unpleasant position of choosing between her boyfriend/girlfriend and her family. Sometimes you have to compromise while still remaining true to yourself. Family is important. Perhaps you’ll get lucky and will be blessed with a family whom you get along well with. If so, you’re one of the lucky few, don’t gloat. Sympathize with your unlucky friends and offer a sanctuary for him or her during those surprise in-law visits!

Making Love Work in 2012

1/17/2012 4:28:51 PM

What Tools are in Your Toolbox?

For anything in life we need to make sure we have the right tool for the job. Everything from changing the tire to writing a check one needs the proper tool. Why would dating be any different? Being January of the new year it’s time for a toolbox check. Throw out the old useless, rusty tools and replace them with bright, shiny more promising ones. You’ve already got one of the most important tools – on-line dating by your side, here are three more to add to your repertoire:

1. Crank up the romance – Men love romance as much as women. It’s what makes the heart skip a beat on a first date, then the second, third and even still on the seventh! It’s what makes them excited to come back for more. Send a sexy or fun-loving text out of the blue. Have the candles lit and surprise your man/woman with a massage. Slip a cute card on their windshield or in their briefcase or purse. It’s the little things in a relationship that tend to go un-nurtured. Notice the haircut, new dress or tie. Pay attention to the details and your date will feel flattered, attractive and wanted and you will be well on your way to a hot romantic night.

2. Communicate! – You have a voice so share it. Don’t be the one always asking, “Where do you want to go?” Surprise your date and take them somewhere they may never had thought of. There is a time and place for everything. Decisions shouldn’t be one-sided and they shouldn’t always have to be made by the same side. Be bold. Show some confidence and let your man or woman know that you’re a strong, savvy person who knows what they want!

3. Stay in the Moment! - In one brief moment you can draw them in or make them cringe! While you’re on your date, BE WITH YOUR DATE! Don’t be thinking about the report due on your boss’s desk the next morning, the dirty dishes still in the sink or what time the next game starts. You can always tell when someone is interested in what you have to say if they are staying with the conversation, not checking their watch and can follow your thought to completion. By staying present you will simply get lost in the moment where you two feel like the only ones on the planet. That’s what you’re going for here, right!

Okay, I don’t want to overload you here. So we’ll start with those simple three tools. You can now feel comfortable throwing out that old book of pick-up lines and exchange it for the Zagat report so you can start researching some good romantic places to take your next date!! Come on! You’ve got homework to do!

Quality over Quantity

1/10/2012 4:13:34 PM

Over the years dating has migrated from bars to computers and the popularity of on-line dating continues to soar. I’m certain you know someone, have met someone or have been that someone who has tried their hand at on-line dating. Maybe this is your second or even third year scanning emails and profiles and you’re beginning to become disheartened, annoyed, depressed. Or you went on 20 lousy dates last year and are convinced that “all the good ones are taken.” This year think quality over quantity. Stop measuring your dating success by how many dates you’ve had rather start measuring by how many quality and recurring dates you’ve had. (If your number is zero in both areas, you really need to change up your game! Now!)

Dating can be a numbers game I suppose, “You throw enough arrows and you’re bound to hit a bulls-eye.” That does work for some that by lucky chance meet that special someone and live happily ever after. I’m sure you’ve heard “you have to kiss a lot of frogs to meet your prince.” Well I’m here to remind you, not necessarily. YOU have the upper hand here. A major advantage with on-line dating is that you get to browse before you buy. Try it out before you decided. A guarantee, of sorts, because if you don’t like what you see, hear, or get to know about your new “friend” then you don’t have to continue the correspondence. You don’t have to worry about bumping into them or how to divide friends; you simply never have to speak to them again if you wish. Think about it, we’ve all been stuck in relationships that we know we should’ve ended long ago, but it’s just too hard because you don’t want to hurt anyone. That is our nature, most of us don’t set out to hurt others and many of us try to avoid it at all costs!!

Even if it means we suffer for days, months, or sometimes years before we muster the courage to go our own way and even then some never do!

Don’t be a chicken. In 2012 you gotta get in the game! Don’t forget to do your homework before you get to class. Make sure this is someone you like. Make sure they have similar interests and that their religion, nationality or child status is something you’ve considered and have accepted. Ask questions, get recent pictures, get a good idea of who it is you’re going to spend time with. Time is precious. Don’t waste it!

Fair warning: Don’t be ridiculous! Be realistic, no one is perfect, you have to give a little “getting to know them” space for the little things and if you’ve been striking out with “your type” – get a new type!! You may be surprised! Change can be scary but it can also be exhilarating and chances are you’ll find yourself wondering why you weren’t brave enough switch it up sooner!

I guess the bottom line here, folks, is this: There are literally millions of people signed up for on-line dating – every type of person imaginable (seriously) - and your perfect match is looking for you too, don’t give up…. DIG IN!

Happy New Year!! Helloooooo 2012!

1/2/2012 12:00:00 AM

That’s right the fated year of 2012 is among us. It’s hard to believe that this is the year the Mayans proclaimed would be our last! I still have so much to do!! …And you still have to find that perfect someone with whom to spend those final days so, I guess we better skip the niceties and get right to it then:

1. Out with the Old In with the New – It’s a new year and a new day! Turn over a new leaf. Make a list of all of the things you want to accomplish in 2012, break them down into smaller steps and each day take the time to do just one… and one by one you’ll be a step closer to your goal.

2. Smile more – a smile is contagious. It’s an easy way to lift someone’s spirits or wish them a great day! Wear your smile proud and daily and give it away as often as you get the chance. You’ll be amazed to find that the simple of act of smiling will actually make YOU feel better as well!

3. Don’t forget about YOU! – It’s easy to get caught up in our busy lives and fill our days doing everything for everyone else, leaving nothing left for ourselves to savor. It’s good to take care of others, but you won’t do much good to them if you can’t even take care of you! Fill your cup first and soon all the cups will overflow!

4. Make New Friends – We often get stuck in a circle of friends and leave little room for others to join our sacred circle. We will miss many opportunities in our lives if we don’t make room for new people, places and things! Each person we meet has something to offer, always look for the good!

5. It’s All about Perspective – The old adage, is the cup half empty of half full applies here. Life is truly about perspective. If the way you see things is always the same how can anything ever change. Shake things up a bit, examine the world under a different color light and you’ll be amazed at how a simple shift in perspective can suddenly bring everything into focus.

6. Believe – Half the battle is truly believing in the beautiful nature of things. Know that true love will find it’s way to you. Believe in it. Trust it and it will find you!

So get out there! Try a different route to work. Notice the little things. Stay in the moment. Breathe in the fresh crisp air of the New Year and vow to make this one count. It’s up to you and only you. Make it happen!

Dating – It’s the Little Things

12/21/2011 7:39:49 PM

Dating can be fun, brutal, heartbreaking, exciting, exhausting, etc. but to make it last, it’s all in the little things.

It’s the fact that you listened when they said they don’t like red wine, you always bring white. You cared when they said they had a Doctor appointment, following up and asking how things went. You noticed that their favorite drink when out to eat is Iced Tea, when your date reaches the table their tea is waiting. Hold the Door. Pull out the chair. Notice the hair cut, the new tie or dress. It’s easy to be self absorbed, especially when you’re single and have been for quite some time. You fall into a routine, you get comfortable, you have relied on yourself for so long, it’s tough to let that other person in.

I want to remind you, it goes both ways. Man or woman it doesn’t matter, we’re all human. We want to be heard, we want to feel cared for and loved, especially during the holidays. So listen up, pay attention. Make note of their favorite coffee drink, color or dessert and surprise your date with one of their favorite treats. A little goes a long way! It doesn’t even have to cost anything! A simple note saying “Thinking of you,” really gets their fire burning, makes them feel special and earns you some major brownie points. So this holiday season, don’t worry about buying big gifts and spending lots of money on your new gal/guy, give your love from the heart by being present and paying attention to those around you.

Tis the Season...

12/8/2011 4:05:15 PM

The holidays for me bring about a time for reflection and change! If you’ve been doing the online dating thing for a while now, don’t get discouraged and throw in the towel, you have to kiss a few frogs before finding your prince/princess. Practice the 3 D’s – desire, determination, and don’t give up! If things aren’t currently working for you and you’re coming from an “I’m upset because…” place, you’re going to remain stuck in that vicious circle – always blaming circumstances, other people and events for ruining your day, your month, your year, your life! “I’m upset because… I don’t have a boyfriend/girlfriend and EVERYone else I know is happy but me!” Or “I’m upset because… I don’t have a date to take to the Christmas party! I probably shouldn’t go, everyone is coming with a date. I just won’t go.” You get the point, fill in the blank. If this sounds like YOU…I’m talking to you. Get off the blame game and start taking responsibility for your life, for your feelings, for your choices.

The wise Budda once said that “There is no good or bad, it is us that make is so.” In other words, s*&t happens to all of us, it’s how we handle it that makes all the difference. Instead of the “I’m upset because,” which by the way, will get you nowhere, try the “This is my life, my choices, no mistakes,” attitude. There are no wrong choices, each “thing” in our life gives us a chance to learn something, to grow, evolve. You will go from victim to conductor, orchestrating your life instead of simply reacting to it. So you have to go to the Christmas party alone, good for you! You will get to mingle with everyone; you never know who you might meet - gorgeous bartender, wealthy entrepreneur - by just showing up, you’ve won half the battle. Your night will be what you make of it. Make it good. You don’t need anyone else to “be happy.” Find your own happy. Muster your inner strength and make your own destiny. And when you see that sweet little family, smile and be happy they’ve found one another all the while knowing soon you’ll too get just what you’ve been asking for!

Going Dutch, the Way to Go?

12/1/2011 3:25:07 PM

In earlier times, the days before on-line dating services and personal ads, it was traditional for the man to pay for the courtship of the woman. This is 2011, people, and times have changed. The stigma has been lifted-in today’s day and age it is not only acceptable to split the bill, for some it is preferable. There is something to be said of the man paying for the date, (with high expectations of how the date will end). Don’t get me wrong; I’m all for the man pulling out your chair or opening a car door, chivalry is not dead. But women have fought all of these years for equality they can’t pick and choose when to use it. There is nothing wrong with “going Dutch” and paying for your own dinner, movie, latte, whatever. In fact you’ve now effectively taken away the burden of feeling like you owe someone something, you can decide with a guilt-free conscience how far you want to take the date without feeling like your filling some sort of self imposed obligation. It levels the playing field, so to speak. Equality.

So what do you do if the other person offers to pay, pays the entire bill or insists on paying for everything? Smile and thank them for their generosity. Some people are more “old school” than others and have been taught to honor tradition. There is nothing wrong with this approach as long as there are no strings attached or unwarranted expectations. It is important not to fall into the trap of feeling like you now have to repay their generosity. If you must, you can pay for the next date or latte, but no need to over compensate at the end of this date!

The Great Escape

11/22/2011 9:01:58 PM

You’ve met someone on a free on-line dating service! You’ve been looking forward to this date for weeks! You’ve chatted online, he /she looks good in their profile pic., all and all you’re expecting a magical evening, ok, enjoyable at least. The day arrives, everything seems to be going well… another drink arrives at your table and with each sip things begin to sour, your date is rude and off-putting, demanding and becoming more obnoxious seemingly by the second, you must get out and GET OUT NOW! We’ve all been on those dates where we know within the first ten minutes this just isn’t going to work, this person is NOT for me. You can’t imagine wasting any more of your time in their company and you rack your brain for a decent excuse. Unfortunately, people are becoming wise to the old “emergency text or phone call;” You’ll need to be a little more imaginative to get out of this one… Below are a few guidelines to help you make that Great Escape:

1. Suddenly Sick: “I don’t feel so good” – have a migraine, stomach flu, bird flu, cat scratch fever (yes, it truly is a sickness)– whatever your ailment… play sick…We do it for work when we want to go skiing or need a mental health recharge day – Playing sick is always a good choice, no one likes to be around a sick, highly contagious or possibly very nauseous date, the more miserable the better, but believability is key – don’t over- do it; simply make it imperative and obvious you must leave now.

2. Flirt! But not with your date- No one likes to play second fiddle. If you’re more attracted to your waiter/waitress, the soda-jerk, the hostess and/or even the valet - I assure you, you’re date will get the hint. You can take it one step farther to really put the last nail in the coffin by wearing your best smug/sexy smile as you say, “I hope you don’t mind…I gave the waitress my phone number, you know not for tonight of course, since I’m out with you…unless maybe… you two seemed to get along fine, what do you think, should I invite her along?” Your date will be officially over now.

3. Ex-Factor: Talk up the ex and how great he was, how you miss him and “your hopes of one day getting back together… but that’s “just a dream.” A tear or two is effective but not necessary. Every topic leads back to the ex. Your date orders steak… you say, “That’s what my Tommy used to get here. He really loved it. Good choice. He always took me here. This was our favorite place...” You get the picture and so will your date.

4. Honesty really is the best policy: Tell the truth. “It’s just not going to work “and cut your ties. Your time is precious. You deserve the best. Don’t waste your time and energy on someone or something that isn’t bringing you happiness. If you know this isn’t the one, remain friends but politely move on.

Your search for love will end where you let it. Make sure you don’t stop until you find that special someone that makes your heart pump, you’re palms sweat and your belly do summersaults! He/She is out there looking for you too!

Love You First; a Reminder

11/14/2011 7:57:39 AM

When looking for love, it’s important to make sure you look in the mirror first. The old saying “you have to love yourself before you can love others” is all too true. I always struggled with this one, never truly understanding the meaning, until recently. You see most people search for love to “make them happy.” They think, “if only I had someone to love me, I’d be happy.” That someone comes along and it works…temporarily. Before long those same feelings start to creep in and it may lead to thoughts like, “if only I made more money, I’d be happy,” and so the cycle continues.

It is impossible to find happiness outside of yourself. By always chasing that carrot, you seldom stop to appreciate the rest of the garden; what you already do have in your life. Yes, others can add to your happiness, lifting your spirits and complimenting your daily life. But in the long run, it is you and only you that can “make you happy.” If you continue to search outside of yourself you’ll be searching until you find it within. We all know people who are never happy, either because of their relationship, their job, their car, looks…etc… and they won’t be happy until they stop relying on everyone else to do it for them. You can be the calm in the storm…if all is taken away you are left only with yourself – so it is important to like that person. If you put your expectations on your partner to always make you happy, they will be exhausted trying to live up to your ideals and you will be disappointed and let down every time. No one can MAKE you happy, only you have the power to do that. Put simply? It’s your choice… choose wisely.

The Ping-Pong Effect

11/1/2011 11:45:54 AM

We’ve all done it, broken up with a boyfriend/girlfriend and swore we’d never even TALK to them again! We wonder how we ever even could tolerate being in the same room, let alone DATING them!! Then the days turn to lonely nights turn to lonelier months and pretty soon that person isn’t looking so bad. You start remembering all of the good time you had, the reasons you fell in love with them, maybe you were over re-acting. Now they seem to have it all together, you start to miss them a little at first but the emptiness seems to grow bigger with each waking breath. You call… they answer…you go on a date as “friends”…you end up waking up the next morning in their bed.

Everything may seem great for a little while but that thing, you know, that thing that broke you two up in the first place it’s still there. Soon you begin to feel this dread billowing up inside your chest as you realize “Uh-Oh, I’m right back where I started.” All those things that bothered you before still do and seem to be even more pronounced now! You break up again… are lonely again…call again…end up in their bed again….and it’s all over again… I call this the Ping-Pong effect. Bottom line, if it didn’t work out the first time, it probably won’t work the second, third or fourth time either.

I’m all for second chances and sometimes it takes breaking up with the person to realize what you had and it can actually make your relationship stronger. However, if you find yourself in the perpetual ping pong game, it’s time to call it quits. It’s scary, I know. Most people are terrified of being alone and will do almost anything to avoid it. Sometimes being alone can be a real gift and in hind-sight you’ll start to remember who YOU ARE and where you were going before your YOU –train was derailed. Think about it, there are MILLIONS of people signed up for online dating. You’re one in a million!! This is the one area you don’t need to recycle. Out with the old, in with the new!! Take yourself out of the ping pong game and get into the dating game! You’ll be amazed at what’s waiting for you!!

Going the Distance

10/21/2011 3:55:54 PM

With the emergence of online dating sites connecting hearts from two different parts of the world - the problem of geographically undesirable can be far and wide from different countries, over continents through the woods, you get the idea. In fact, I know a couple – one person lives in England and the other in Venezuela! They met on a free on-line dating site and have been together for more than three years now! Living in different countries made it difficult for sure, but not impossible.

With the options of Skype and other programs like it, you can still get face time without being face to face. This can and does help you feel more connected and bridge the gap over those long absences from one another. Some even find it preferable and say it makes the time together even more meaningful! I imagine many of us take for granted the day to day interactions of our intimate relationships. Truth is its quality over quantity, right? Most of the time that is true, but being apart for long stretches can become lonely and exasperated. It’s a delicate balance, but one that can work, with work. Building a relationship is hard; add a few hundred or even several thousand miles and you’ve just made it a whole lot harder.

1. What are your intentions? If this thing gets serious are you willing to uproot and move? Or visa versa. This is a heavy subject and can be a deal breaker, better to deal with this one up front instead of agonize over it later.

2. Will it be enough? It difficult to build a relationship without the dates? Will Skype be enough? Will late night phone calls and sexy text messages be enough to sustain you and help you not to feel unloved or forgotten between the miles? A long distance relationship is a different kind of commitment and one you need to take seriously. The day-to-day companionship and connectivity of a close proximity relationship is often the heart of a relationship are you willing to spend some lonely days and long nights without the person you love beside you? What are you willing to sacrifice? Write letters, love notes, send care packages, emails… with all the technology available today, with a little effort, there are numerous ways you can stay connected.

3. Share: Most of us are struggling to make ends meet. Be aware of the cost of planes, trains and automobiles, phone calls and packages. Be sure to share the burden – you’re in this together, it has to be mutual and should be equally distributed.

4. Quality over Quantity: This is the relationship you’ve chosen – or perhaps that chose you. Make the most of your time apart and your time together. Absence can make the heart grow fonder and the mojo heat faster. Enjoy those tender moments when you can be together, they will help sustain you during the times you have to spend apart.

The good news is long-distance relationships are usually temporary. Very few people can sustain a relationship away from their loved one for too long. Eventually something’s gotta give – so know it isn’t forever and make the best of it. You can still stay connected even thousands of miles apart as long as you stay concerned and interested. Remember the little things are just as important as the big things – it’s all of those things together that create a long-lasting relationship out of a long-distance one.

Talk is Cheap

10/18/2011 2:11:40 PM

Have you ever been out on a date with a fast talker? You’re still trying to decipher his last sentence and the conversation is totally lost on you. Or there are those who talk about what they want to do “one day” but that one day never comes and they really don’t expect it to. There’s talkers that say one thing and do another. I know a lot of talkers, but very few listeners. I have found it much more important to listen then to talk. You can learn an awful lot about people when you truly listen. Most people just want to be heard. I implore you that the next date you go on you truly try to be a listener instead of a talker. By listening you give the other person a safe place where they can feel validated and understood. Make eye contact, make the person your with feel like they are the only person in the room. When you are truly listening, your answers and the conversation will be much more meaningful. Be genuine in your response, don’t lie or simply say things you think the other person wants to hear. Be ‘real’ and you’re on your way to building a real relationship.

When you’re listening it is important not to judge or force your opinions down the other person’s throat. If you judge and criticize the other person will clam up and feel unaccepted and disliked. Coming from a non-judgmental place shows their ideals are valuable and respected and gives them the room to be themselves and ultimately establishes safety in the relationship.

By truly listening you can better understand the perspective of the other person, what makes them tick, their thoughts, emotions and dreams, you will quickly determine if you two mesh or if you’re on totally different wave lengths. Listening also sends the message that you care, you want to know them, learn about them and understand them better, creating a deeper more meaningful connection. So when you’re on your next date stop talking and start listening and it could be the start of something really beautiful.

All That and a Couple of Kids!

10/10/2011 4:26:17 PM

You scrutinized the on-line dating profile before ever even asking her/him on that first date. There was no mention of kids, but when you pick them up you notice backpacks, tiny shoes and finger paintings plastered to the fridge. As if it isn’t complicated enough already when you add children and past relationships to the mix “it’s complicated” can be an understatement but it doesn’t have to be. Here are a few guidelines that might help you navigate kid infested waters:

1. Was your date honest and up front about their children and responsibilities? You may want to find out why they didn’t want to mention it. The kind of relationship your date has with their children can be very telling. If they are open and honest with you, chances are they are open and honest with their children. Someone who feels uncomfortable talking about their kids may be embarrassed or ashamed, or think it may ruin their chance for love – the kids aren’t going anywhere- it something that should and needs to be addressed early on.

2. Do you want kids? Are you the kind of person that swore you’re never having kids!? All of a sudden you’re falling for a person who has a ready-made family – where does that leave you? Compromising yourself for the sake of another will result in resentment down the line – be honest with yourself and your date and don’t get yourself into something you will regret – If you wait too long - you won’t just be leaving your date but their kids too.

3. What is your role? Do your parenting styles mesh? Its tough when you walk into a new relationship and a household with children – Are you able to voice your concerns about the children? Be sure to talk openly about your feelings on children and child-raising. If this thing works out, that will be a very important aspect of your relationship. In the beginning it may be tough to not over step your boundaries. It’s better not to take your role too seriously until you’ve both decided on the direction the relationship is headed.

4. Are you the jealous type? It is hard to play second fiddle to an ex and when kids are involved, the ex usually is too. When starting a relationship it is hard to know the person you care about may also care about and may have even married and shared child birth with another man/woman – those are pretty deep connections. However it is important to remember they are an EX for a reason. A good, positive relationship with the children’s other parent will make everyone’s life easier. Be the bigger person and try to stay out of their relationship and dealings pertaining to the children for as long as you can.

Children can be a lot of fun and can help you rekindle your inner child. Keep it light. You have a slight advantage by not being the “parent” – you don’t have to be as serious, you don’t have to discipline, you have an excuse to go to amusement parks and Pixar movies again and kids never listen to their parents, but you have the opportunity to give them the same advice only they may actually listen to you. So if the word “kid” or “child” makes you want to run for the hills, by all means, run. But if you’re open to it, your relationship can become deeper and more meaningful when you add kids to the mix.