Zyngle Dating Blog
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Making Love Work in 2012
January 17, 2012 By
Vivien Lake
What Tools are in Your Toolbox?
For anything in life we need to make sure we have the right tool for the job. Everything from changing the tire to writing a check one needs the proper tool. Why would dating be any different? Being January of the new year it’s time for a toolbox check. Throw out the old useless, rusty tools and replace them with bright, shiny more promising ones. You’ve already got one of the most important tools – on-line dating by your side, here are three more to add to your repertoire:
1. Crank up the romance – Men love romance as much as women. It’s what makes the heart skip a beat on a first date, then the second, third and even still on the seventh! It’s what makes them excited to come back for more. Send a sexy or fun-loving text out of the blue. Have the candles lit and surprise your man/woman with a massage. Slip a cute card on their windshield or in their briefcase or purse. It’s the little things in a relationship that tend to go un-nurtured. Notice the haircut, new dress or tie. Pay attention to the details and your date will feel flattered, attractive and wanted and you will be well on your way to a hot romantic night.
2. Communicate! – You have a voice so share it. Don’t be the one always asking, “Where do you want to go?” Surprise your date and take them somewhere they may never had thought of. There is a time and place for everything. Decisions shouldn’t be one-sided and they shouldn’t always have to be made by the same side. Be bold. Show some confidence and let your man or woman know that you’re a strong, savvy person who knows what they want!
3. Stay in the Moment! - In one brief moment you can draw them in or make them cringe! While you’re on your date, BE WITH YOUR DATE! Don’t be thinking about the report due on your boss’s desk the next morning, the dirty dishes still in the sink or what time the next game starts. You can always tell when someone is interested in what you have to say if they are staying with the conversation, not checking their watch and can follow your thought to completion. By staying present you will simply get lost in the moment where you two feel like the only ones on the planet. That’s what you’re going for here, right!
Okay, I don’t want to overload you here. So we’ll start with those simple three tools. You can now feel comfortable throwing out that old book of pick-up lines and exchange it for the Zagat report so you can start researching some good romantic places to take your next date!! Come on! You’ve got homework to do!
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Quality over Quantity
January 10, 2012 By
VIvien Lake
Over the years dating has migrated from bars to computers and the popularity of on-line dating continues to soar. I’m certain you know someone, have met someone or have been that someone who has tried their hand at on-line dating. Maybe this is your second or even third year scanning emails and profiles and you’re beginning to become disheartened, annoyed, depressed. Or you went on 20 lousy dates last year and are convinced that “all the good ones are taken.” This year think quality over quantity. Stop measuring your dating success by how many dates you’ve had rather start measuring by how many quality and recurring dates you’ve had. (If your number is zero in both areas, you really need to change up your game! Now!)
Dating can be a numbers game I suppose, “You throw enough arrows and you’re bound to hit a bulls-eye.” That does work for some that by lucky chance meet that special someone and live happily ever after. I’m sure you’ve heard “you have to kiss a lot of frogs to meet your prince.” Well I’m here to remind you, not necessarily. YOU have the upper hand here. A major advantage with on-line dating is that you get to browse before you buy. Try it out before you decided. A guarantee, of sorts, because if you don’t like what you see, hear, or get to know about your new “friend” then you don’t have to continue the correspondence. You don’t have to worry about bumping into them or how to divide friends; you simply never have to speak to them again if you wish. Think about it, we’ve all been stuck in relationships that we know we should’ve ended long ago, but it’s just too hard because you don’t want to hurt anyone. That is our nature, most of us don’t set out to hurt others and many of us try to avoid it at all costs!!
Even if it means we suffer for days, months, or sometimes years before we muster the courage to go our own way and even then some never do!
Don’t be a chicken. In 2012 you gotta get in the game! Don’t forget to do your homework before you get to class. Make sure this is someone you like. Make sure they have similar interests and that their religion, nationality or child status is something you’ve considered and have accepted. Ask questions, get recent pictures, get a good idea of who it is you’re going to spend time with. Time is precious. Don’t waste it!
Fair warning: Don’t be ridiculous! Be realistic, no one is perfect, you have to give a little “getting to know them” space for the little things and if you’ve been striking out with “your type” – get a new type!! You may be surprised! Change can be scary but it can also be exhilarating and chances are you’ll find yourself wondering why you weren’t brave enough switch it up sooner!
I guess the bottom line here, folks, is this: There are literally millions of people signed up for on-line dating – every type of person imaginable (seriously) - and your perfect match is looking for you too, don’t give up…. DIG IN!
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Happy New Year!! Helloooooo 2012!
January 2, 2012 By
Vivien Lake
That’s right the fated year of 2012 is among us. It’s hard to believe that this is the year the Mayans proclaimed would be our last! I still have so much to do!! …And you still have to find that perfect someone with whom to spend those final days so, I guess we better skip the niceties and get right to it then:
1. Out with the Old In with the New – It’s a new year and a new day! Turn over a new leaf. Make a list of all of the things you want to accomplish in 2012, break them down into smaller steps and each day take the time to do just one… and one by one you’ll be a step closer to your goal.
2. Smile more – a smile is contagious. It’s an easy way to lift someone’s spirits or wish them a great day! Wear your smile proud and daily and give it away as often as you get the chance. You’ll be amazed to find that the simple of act of smiling will actually make YOU feel better as well!
3. Don’t forget about YOU! – It’s easy to get caught up in our busy lives and fill our days doing everything for everyone else, leaving nothing left for ourselves to savor. It’s good to take care of others, but you won’t do much good to them if you can’t even take care of you! Fill your cup first and soon all the cups will overflow!
4. Make New Friends – We often get stuck in a circle of friends and leave little room for others to join our sacred circle. We will miss many opportunities in our lives if we don’t make room for new people, places and things! Each person we meet has something to offer, always look for the good!
5. It’s All about Perspective – The old adage, is the cup half empty of half full applies here. Life is truly about perspective. If the way you see things is always the same how can anything ever change. Shake things up a bit, examine the world under a different color light and you’ll be amazed at how a simple shift in perspective can suddenly bring everything into focus.
6. Believe – Half the battle is truly believing in the beautiful nature of things. Know that true love will find it’s way to you. Believe in it. Trust it and it will find you!
So get out there! Try a different route to work. Notice the little things. Stay in the moment. Breathe in the fresh crisp air of the New Year and vow to make this one count. It’s up to you and only you. Make it happen!
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Dating – It’s the Little Things
December 21, 2011 By
Vivien Lake
Dating can be fun, brutal, heartbreaking, exciting, exhausting, etc. but to make it last, it’s all in the little things.
It’s the fact that you listened when they said they don’t like red wine, you always bring white. You cared when they said they had a Doctor appointment, following up and asking how things went. You noticed that their favorite drink when out to eat is Iced Tea, when your date reaches the table their tea is waiting. Hold the Door. Pull out the chair. Notice the hair cut, the new tie or dress. It’s easy to be self absorbed, especially when you’re single and have been for quite some time. You fall into a routine, you get comfortable, you have relied on yourself for so long, it’s tough to let that other person in.
I want to remind you, it goes both ways. Man or woman it doesn’t matter, we’re all human. We want to be heard, we want to feel cared for and loved, especially during the holidays. So listen up, pay attention. Make note of their favorite coffee drink, color or dessert and surprise your date with one of their favorite treats. A little goes a long way! It doesn’t even have to cost anything! A simple note saying “Thinking of you,” really gets their fire burning, makes them feel special and earns you some major brownie points. So this holiday season, don’t worry about buying big gifts and spending lots of money on your new gal/guy, give your love from the heart by being present and paying attention to those around you.
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Tis the Season...
December 8, 2011 By
Vivien Lake
The holidays for me bring about a time for reflection and change! If you’ve been doing the online dating thing for a while now, don’t get discouraged and throw in the towel, you have to kiss a few frogs before finding your prince/princess. Practice the 3 D’s – desire, determination, and don’t give up! If things aren’t currently working for you and you’re coming from an “I’m upset because…” place, you’re going to remain stuck in that vicious circle – always blaming circumstances, other people and events for ruining your day, your month, your year, your life! “I’m upset because… I don’t have a boyfriend/girlfriend and EVERYone else I know is happy but me!” Or “I’m upset because… I don’t have a date to take to the Christmas party! I probably shouldn’t go, everyone is coming with a date. I just won’t go.” You get the point, fill in the blank. If this sounds like YOU…I’m talking to you. Get off the blame game and start taking responsibility for your life, for your feelings, for your choices.
The wise Budda once said that “There is no good or bad, it is us that make is so.” In other words, s*&t happens to all of us, it’s how we handle it that makes all the difference. Instead of the “I’m upset because,” which by the way, will get you nowhere, try the “This is my life, my choices, no mistakes,” attitude. There are no wrong choices, each “thing” in our life gives us a chance to learn something, to grow, evolve. You will go from victim to conductor, orchestrating your life instead of simply reacting to it. So you have to go to the Christmas party alone, good for you! You will get to mingle with everyone; you never know who you might meet - gorgeous bartender, wealthy entrepreneur - by just showing up, you’ve won half the battle. Your night will be what you make of it. Make it good. You don’t need anyone else to “be happy.” Find your own happy. Muster your inner strength and make your own destiny. And when you see that sweet little family, smile and be happy they’ve found one another all the while knowing soon you’ll too get just what you’ve been asking for!
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Going Dutch, the Way to Go?
December 1, 2011 By
Vivien Lake
In earlier times, the days before on-line dating services and personal ads, it was traditional for the man to pay for the courtship of the woman. This is 2011, people, and times have changed. The stigma has been lifted-in today’s day and age it is not only acceptable to split the bill, for some it is preferable. There is something to be said of the man paying for the date, (with high expectations of how the date will end). Don’t get me wrong; I’m all for the man pulling out your chair or opening a car door, chivalry is not dead. But women have fought all of these years for equality they can’t pick and choose when to use it. There is nothing wrong with “going Dutch” and paying for your own dinner, movie, latte, whatever. In fact you’ve now effectively taken away the burden of feeling like you owe someone something, you can decide with a guilt-free conscience how far you want to take the date without feeling like your filling some sort of self imposed obligation. It levels the playing field, so to speak. Equality.
So what do you do if the other person offers to pay, pays the entire bill or insists on paying for everything? Smile and thank them for their generosity. Some people are more “old school” than others and have been taught to honor tradition. There is nothing wrong with this approach as long as there are no strings attached or unwarranted expectations. It is important not to fall into the trap of feeling like you now have to repay their generosity. If you must, you can pay for the next date or latte, but no need to over compensate at the end of this date!
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The Great Escape
November 22, 2011 By
Vivien Lake
You’ve met someone on a free on-line dating service! You’ve been looking forward to this date for weeks! You’ve chatted online, he /she looks good in their profile pic., all and all you’re expecting a magical evening, ok, enjoyable at least. The day arrives, everything seems to be going well… another drink arrives at your table and with each sip things begin to sour, your date is rude and off-putting, demanding and becoming more obnoxious seemingly by the second, you must get out and GET OUT NOW! We’ve all been on those dates where we know within the first ten minutes this just isn’t going to work, this person is NOT for me. You can’t imagine wasting any more of your time in their company and you rack your brain for a decent excuse. Unfortunately, people are becoming wise to the old “emergency text or phone call;” You’ll need to be a little more imaginative to get out of this one… Below are a few guidelines to help you make that Great Escape:
1. Suddenly Sick: “I don’t feel so good” – have a migraine, stomach flu, bird flu, cat scratch fever (yes, it truly is a sickness)– whatever your ailment… play sick…We do it for work when we want to go skiing or need a mental health recharge day – Playing sick is always a good choice, no one likes to be around a sick, highly contagious or possibly very nauseous date, the more miserable the better, but believability is key – don’t over- do it; simply make it imperative and obvious you must leave now.
2. Flirt! But not with your date- No one likes to play second fiddle. If you’re more attracted to your waiter/waitress, the soda-jerk, the hostess and/or even the valet - I assure you, you’re date will get the hint. You can take it one step farther to really put the last nail in the coffin by wearing your best smug/sexy smile as you say, “I hope you don’t mind…I gave the waitress my phone number, you know not for tonight of course, since I’m out with you…unless maybe… you two seemed to get along fine, what do you think, should I invite her along?” Your date will be officially over now.
3. Ex-Factor: Talk up the ex and how great he was, how you miss him and “your hopes of one day getting back together… but that’s “just a dream.” A tear or two is effective but not necessary. Every topic leads back to the ex. Your date orders steak… you say, “That’s what my Tommy used to get here. He really loved it. Good choice. He always took me here. This was our favorite place...” You get the picture and so will your date.
4. Honesty really is the best policy: Tell the truth. “It’s just not going to work “and cut your ties. Your time is precious. You deserve the best. Don’t waste your time and energy on someone or something that isn’t bringing you happiness. If you know this isn’t the one, remain friends but politely move on.
Your search for love will end where you let it. Make sure you don’t stop until you find that special someone that makes your heart pump, you’re palms sweat and your belly do summersaults! He/She is out there looking for you too!
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Love You First; a Reminder
November 14, 2011 By
Vivien Lake
When looking for love, it’s important to make sure you look in the mirror first. The old saying “you have to love yourself before you can love others” is all too true. I always struggled with this one, never truly understanding the meaning, until recently. You see most people search for love to “make them happy.” They think, “if only I had someone to love me, I’d be happy.” That someone comes along and it works…temporarily. Before long those same feelings start to creep in and it may lead to thoughts like, “if only I made more money, I’d be happy,” and so the cycle continues.
It is impossible to find happiness outside of yourself. By always chasing that carrot, you seldom stop to appreciate the rest of the garden; what you already do have in your life. Yes, others can add to your happiness, lifting your spirits and complimenting your daily life. But in the long run, it is you and only you that can “make you happy.” If you continue to search outside of yourself you’ll be searching until you find it within. We all know people who are never happy, either because of their relationship, their job, their car, looks…etc… and they won’t be happy until they stop relying on everyone else to do it for them. You can be the calm in the storm…if all is taken away you are left only with yourself – so it is important to like that person. If you put your expectations on your partner to always make you happy, they will be exhausted trying to live up to your ideals and you will be disappointed and let down every time. No one can MAKE you happy, only you have the power to do that.
Put simply? It’s your choice… choose wisely.
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The Ping-Pong Effect
November 1, 2011 By
Vivien Lake
We’ve all done it, broken up with a boyfriend/girlfriend and swore we’d never even TALK to them again! We wonder how we ever even could tolerate being in the same room, let alone DATING them!! Then the days turn to lonely nights turn to lonelier months and pretty soon that person isn’t looking so bad. You start remembering all of the good time you had, the reasons you fell in love with them, maybe you were over re-acting. Now they seem to have it all together, you start to miss them a little at first but the emptiness seems to grow bigger with each waking breath. You call… they answer…you go on a date as “friends”…you end up waking up the next morning in their bed.
Everything may seem great for a little while but that thing, you know, that thing that broke you two up in the first place it’s still there. Soon you begin to feel this dread billowing up inside your chest as you realize “Uh-Oh, I’m right back where I started.” All those things that bothered you before still do and seem to be even more pronounced now! You break up again… are lonely again…call again…end up in their bed again….and it’s all over again… I call this the Ping-Pong effect. Bottom line, if it didn’t work out the first time, it probably won’t work the second, third or fourth time either.
I’m all for second chances and sometimes it takes breaking up with the person to realize what you had and it can actually make your relationship stronger. However, if you find yourself in the perpetual ping pong game, it’s time to call it quits. It’s scary, I know. Most people are terrified of being alone and will do almost anything to avoid it. Sometimes being alone can be a real gift and in hind-sight you’ll start to remember who YOU ARE and where you were going before your YOU –train was derailed. Think about it, there are MILLIONS of people signed up for online dating. You’re one in a million!! This is the one area you don’t need to recycle. Out with the old, in with the new!! Take yourself out of the ping pong game and get into the dating game! You’ll be amazed at what’s waiting for you!!
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Going the Distance
October 21, 2011 By
Vivien Lake
With the emergence of online dating sites connecting hearts from two different parts of the world - the problem of geographically undesirable can be far and wide from different countries, over continents through the woods, you get the idea. In fact, I know a couple – one person lives in England and the other in Venezuela! They met on a free on-line dating site and have been together for more than three years now! Living in different countries made it difficult for sure, but not impossible.
With the options of Skype and other programs like it, you can still get face time without being face to face. This can and does help you feel more connected and bridge the gap over those long absences from one another. Some even find it preferable and say it makes the time together even more meaningful! I imagine many of us take for granted the day to day interactions of our intimate relationships. Truth is its quality over quantity, right? Most of the time that is true, but being apart for long stretches can become lonely and exasperated. It’s a delicate balance, but one that can work, with work. Building a relationship is hard; add a few hundred or even several thousand miles and you’ve just made it a whole lot harder.
1. What are your intentions? If this thing gets serious are you willing to uproot and move? Or visa versa. This is a heavy subject and can be a deal breaker, better to deal with this one up front instead of agonize over it later.
2. Will it be enough? It difficult to build a relationship without the dates? Will Skype be enough? Will late night phone calls and sexy text messages be enough to sustain you and help you not to feel unloved or forgotten between the miles? A long distance relationship is a different kind of commitment and one you need to take seriously. The day-to-day companionship and connectivity of a close proximity relationship is often the heart of a relationship are you willing to spend some lonely days and long nights without the person you love beside you? What are you willing to sacrifice? Write letters, love notes, send care packages, emails… with all the technology available today, with a little effort, there are numerous ways you can stay connected.
3. Share: Most of us are struggling to make ends meet. Be aware of the cost of planes, trains and automobiles, phone calls and packages. Be sure to share the burden – you’re in this together, it has to be mutual and should be equally distributed.
4. Quality over Quantity: This is the relationship you’ve chosen – or perhaps that chose you. Make the most of your time apart and your time together. Absence can make the heart grow fonder and the mojo heat faster. Enjoy those tender moments when you can be together, they will help sustain you during the times you have to spend apart.
The good news is long-distance relationships are usually temporary. Very few people can sustain a relationship away from their loved one for too long. Eventually something’s gotta give – so know it isn’t forever and make the best of it. You can still stay connected even thousands of miles apart as long as you stay concerned and interested. Remember the little things are just as important as the big things – it’s all of those things together that create a long-lasting relationship out of a long-distance one.
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Talk is Cheap
October 18, 2011 By
Vivien Lake
Have you ever been out on a date with a fast talker? You’re still trying to decipher his last sentence and the conversation is totally lost on you. Or there are those who talk about what they want to do “one day” but that one day never comes and they really don’t expect it to. There’s talkers that say one thing and do another. I know a lot of talkers, but very few listeners. I have found it much more important to listen then to talk. You can learn an awful lot about people when you truly listen. Most people just want to be heard. I implore you that the next date you go on you truly try to be a listener instead of a talker. By listening you give the other person a safe place where they can feel validated and understood. Make eye contact, make the person your with feel like they are the only person in the room. When you are truly listening, your answers and the conversation will be much more meaningful. Be genuine in your response, don’t lie or simply say things you think the other person wants to hear. Be ‘real’ and you’re on your way to building a real relationship.
When you’re listening it is important not to judge or force your opinions down the other person’s throat. If you judge and criticize the other person will clam up and feel unaccepted and disliked. Coming from a non-judgmental place shows their ideals are valuable and respected and gives them the room to be themselves and ultimately establishes safety in the relationship.
By truly listening you can better understand the perspective of the other person, what makes them tick, their thoughts, emotions and dreams, you will quickly determine if you two mesh or if you’re on totally different wave lengths. Listening also sends the message that you care, you want to know them, learn about them and understand them better, creating a deeper more meaningful connection. So when you’re on your next date stop talking and start listening and it could be the start of something really beautiful.
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All That and a Couple of Kids!
October 10, 2011 By
Vivien Lake
You scrutinized the on-line dating profile before ever even asking her/him on that first date. There was no mention of kids, but when you pick them up you notice backpacks, tiny shoes and finger paintings plastered to the fridge. As if it isn’t complicated enough already when you add children and past relationships to the mix “it’s complicated” can be an understatement but it doesn’t have to be. Here are a few guidelines that might help you navigate kid infested waters:
1. Was your date honest and up front about their children and responsibilities? You may want to find out why they didn’t want to mention it. The kind of relationship your date has with their children can be very telling. If they are open and honest with you, chances are they are open and honest with their children. Someone who feels uncomfortable talking about their kids may be embarrassed or ashamed, or think it may ruin their chance for love – the kids aren’t going anywhere- it something that should and needs to be addressed early on.
2. Do you want kids? Are you the kind of person that swore you’re never having kids!? All of a sudden you’re falling for a person who has a ready-made family – where does that leave you? Compromising yourself for the sake of another will result in resentment down the line – be honest with yourself and your date and don’t get yourself into something you will regret – If you wait too long - you won’t just be leaving your date but their kids too.
3. What is your role? Do your parenting styles mesh? Its tough when you walk into a new relationship and a household with children – Are you able to voice your concerns about the children? Be sure to talk openly about your feelings on children and child-raising. If this thing works out, that will be a very important aspect of your relationship. In the beginning it may be tough to not over step your boundaries. It’s better not to take your role too seriously until you’ve both decided on the direction the relationship is headed.
4. Are you the jealous type? It is hard to play second fiddle to an ex and when kids are involved, the ex usually is too. When starting a relationship it is hard to know the person you care about may also care about and may have even married and shared child birth with another man/woman – those are pretty deep connections. However it is important to remember they are an EX for a reason. A good, positive relationship with the children’s other parent will make everyone’s life easier. Be the bigger person and try to stay out of their relationship and dealings pertaining to the children for as long as you can.
Children can be a lot of fun and can help you rekindle your inner child. Keep it light. You have a slight advantage by not being the “parent” – you don’t have to be as serious, you don’t have to discipline, you have an excuse to go to amusement parks and Pixar movies again and kids never listen to their parents, but you have the opportunity to give them the same advice only they may actually listen to you. So if the word “kid” or “child” makes you want to run for the hills, by all means, run. But if you’re open to it, your relationship can become deeper and more meaningful when you add kids to the mix.
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Are You Ready For Love?
October 6, 2011 By
Vivien Lake
You’ve tried it all... free dating sites and personal ads, you’ve even let your friends play matchmaker. But to no avail. You’ve been on several first dates, dissected hundreds of profiles and you still haven’t found “the one.” You’re feeling helpless and hopeless and are ready to throw in the towel. You wonder why the right person hasn’t come into your life. You wonder what’s wrong with them, or worse, what’s wrong with me? If you’re having trouble making love stick, it may be time to delve inside and find out if you’re really ready for love or if you’re the one holding it at arms length.
We all have made bad decisions, had painful breakups yet are expected to pick up the pieces of our broken hearts, put it back together…then give it away again?? It’s not easy, but you must take the risks to reap the rewards. Its okay to look before you leap but when the coast is clear, LEAP and leap far and wide! We can put up walls to protect ourselves, trying to dodge the heartache that can inevitably come with love, but by doing this we deprive ourselves of the very thing we are after. If you don’t open up your heart and let love in, it will always elude you. It’s okay and even smart to be cautious. But beware there is a thin line between cautious and critical. Just because your last girlfriend/boyfriend betrayed you, doesn’t mean every person you encounter will do the same.
It will take time and patience, but if you can remove one brick at a time from the emotional fortress you’ve built around your heart then one day love can find its way back to you and at last you will open yourself up to the love you’ve been looking for all along.
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Where Do You Draw the Line?
September 28, 2011 By
Vivien Lake
On-line dating isn’t always easy. Ok…dating isn’t easy, it’s true, but if you pay attention you can learn a lot about yourself in the process. When scanning the personals and trolling the free online dating sites what are the things that stand out to you? These are clues as to what you are looking for in a mate. Make sure they are healthy relationship choices. You may notice a particular pattern that attracts a certain type of person but you’d prefer something different, if that is the case it’s time you start making some different choices. Often times we are so excited to have a date AND they are good looking, may drive a nice car, etc, we tend to overlook the red flags, ignore chide remarks, make excuses for their behavior after one too many cocktails, accept their excessive P-D-A (Public display of affection) and so on.
However it is on this first date where you can usually get a good sense of the direction you’d like this to go. Each date helps you narrow your list down to what you like and enjoy about this person and where you draw the line. It’s important not to settle. Don’t overlook those small annoyances; they will not get any easier to live with. You have to know what you’re willing to live with and what you refuse to deal with. People will treat you as you allow them to treat you. Don’t put up with rude, disrespectful or annoying behavior. That’s the beauty of dating, you’re not invested, and you don’t have to settle! This is the prime time for you to look those “little things” in face before you’re knee deep in a relationship and they become BIG things. Ask yourself, “Am I willing to put up with this? Do I want these things in my experience?” Answer honestly. There are millions of people looking for love. If you’re just tired of looking and think “this person will do”…ask yourself if that’s enough? Is that the kind of life you want… good enough? Good enough is never good enough. If you settle for less you’re life will always be less than… never quite living up to its full potential. You are navigating you’re life. Only you. You decide. Are you strong enough to make some difficult choices? Life is short…where do you draw the line?
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Are you Ready to Commit?
September 22, 2011 By
Vivien Lake
Are you the type that has avoided the “C” word at all costs, breaking their heart before they could break yours? I still know men/women well into their 40-50’s that insist they will NEVER commit. I also know those who drive Cupid’s arrow deep into their hearts after the first date. But this time is different, you’re ready. You’ve been using Zyngle’s free online dating site and may have met your match. How do you know when you’re ready for next step? Here a few questions to ask yourself…
1. When you get good news, is he/she one of the first people you want to share it with? If you’re ready to get serious and take your relationship to the next level you will want to have a strong connection with your mate. This will be someone you will SHARE your life with. Is it someone you WANT to share your life with?
2. Do you look forward to time/dates with them? Do you want to spend most of your time with this person? When your relationship becomes serious and you begin to talk marriage or moving in (see #3) – this is the person you will be spending A LOT of time with. It’s important you enjoy that time or you will not enjoy your life. If you/or they have children- they will grow up – and you two will be left with each other, it’s so important to have a good time and be able to laugh with them!
3. Could you live with this person? We all have our quirks. Before taking this step make sure you’re ready to overlook a few and focus on the things you do like about your partner. If there are already things that drive you crazy (in a bad way) about your mate that’s a red flag and chances are those things will bug you more…not less.
4. What are your views on religion? Kids? Marriage? Politics? What is theirs? Do we have a match? This is important in any relationship. I like a good debate as well as the next guy - but all the time about everything can become quite taxing on any relationship.
5. Do you still talk about your EX? Sometimes an EX has to be a part of relationship but usually when kids are involved. They could be good friends but they could also threaten your relationship. Make sure you’re #1 guy/gal is the one your with now, not the one you used to be with!
These can be some tough questions to ask yourself, but they are important ones and can help you determine whether or not it’s time to elevate your relationship or cool your jets and take more time. Before you commit to any relationship make sure you are ready and willing to be a true partner. You get what you give…so give your BEST!!
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What does Social Media say about you?
September 13, 2011 By
Vivien Lake
You’ve started on-line dating. The first thing you do is scan Zyngle profiles with a fine tooth comb looking for that perfect match. I want to remind you, don’t stop there. You can learn a whole lot more from other social media sites about your date. Twitter and Facebook are wildly popular sites where many shoot from the hip whatever their feelings or thoughts are at that very moment. Often without pause to think about what they are sending out to cyberspace, you can get a clearer picture of who that person really is.
According to Sam Gosling a psychology professor at the University of Texas, “The impression people have of folks based on their Facebook profile tends to be pretty accurate.” He goes on to say, “Online dating sites can give you a false impression, there isn’t a circle of friends holding them accountable. The bottom line is that it’s really an accurate way of learning about people.”
You may find that your potential date blurts out negative things about his/her life. You can get a sense of what is important to them. Do they talk about family? Do they have a positive outlook? How do they feel about mutual subjects? LinkedIn is also a good way to dig a little deeper on your crush. Because its business oriented you can get a different kind of snapshot into the life of your potential mate.
This also means they may be checking up on you as well. Think through what you say and do on those popular sites. Are you putting your best face forward? What is your social media saying about you? Do you have pictures you wouldn’t want a new partner to see? Be consistent and honest and you won’t run into trouble. Think before you post and dig before you date!
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The Odds are in Your Favor
August 30, 2011 By
Vivien Lake
On-line dating is more popular than ever. In the US alone there are more than 40 million people using online dating sites to find their mate. In China? 140 million and even 15 million in India! The numbers are staggering and suggest that if you’re looking for love, online dating is a great place to start or for many…to finish! Studies also suggest that if you met online the average courtship is 18.5 months until marriage where if you met off line it is 42 months. Why? Because online dating sites give you an advantage. When you meet someone in a bar or at the gym, you don’t know anything about them except perhaps their name – the learning curve is higher. Whereas if you met someone online you get to know them first before deciding to even go on that first date. You have the upper hand. With only 1 out of 10 users leaving after only 3 months…perserverance seems to pay off big. In the US the average user is 48 years old with 52.4% male and 48.6% female…almost perfectly even. Why are these statistics important…because they help show you to not give up… the odds are in your favor. You’re soul mate is out there and online dating is the best way today to meet them. Don’t be afraid to stick your neck out, to be honest with yourself and potential dates so you really find what you’re looking for.
Studies also show that many online daters may fib about aspects of themselves they feel are undesirable. As tempting as it is to polish up your profile with little white lies you will be found out eventually, then you’ll have some explaining to do and will have damaged the all important trust of your new relationship. By being honest and open with who you really are and what you’re looking for you can attract someone who is looking to grab just what it is you have to offer. It is an incredible thing to be loved for who you are - flaws and all. No one is perfect, but you are perfectly YOU and that is all you ever need to be. Don’t give up hope of finding that one special love, persevere with honesty and integrity and you will find what you’re after.
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Looking For Love In All The Wrong Places?
August 23, 2011 By
Vivien Lake
You’re single. You’ve placed personal ads, signed up for free online dating services or have even hired a matchmaker but still no luck. Sometimes it just boils down to location, location, location. In an article titled, Best Places for the Rich and Single, at http://money.cnn.com, they offer locations to scour if you’re looking for a well-to-do “I do.”
Manhattan Beach, CA tops the list. 30% are single! It is important to think about the kind of person you want in your life. A beach bunny? Surfer dude? Laid back? Or suit and tie? With Raleigh Movie Studios near Manhattan Beach, you never know who you may meet. The best of both worlds.
Next on the list is Tyson Corner, VA. 32% are single!! Good odds. Talk about a change of pace. However, this location comes with a warning; many commute, but with more than 100,000 people milling about, you’re sure to find that perfect someone you can rely on.
Beverly Hills, CA comes in 3rd with also a 30% single rate. When I think Beverly Hills, I think beautiful people, huge, lavish homes with fancy cars… you get the idea. If you want to rub elbows with Hollywood hotshots, this is the place to go. You may even run into your favorite movie star while out running errands.
Hermosa Beach, CA comes in 4th with the highest rate of singles so far, 47.5%!!! You’ve got a 50/50 chance here! There are a plethora of places to mingle and apparently plenty of singles to meet. A haven of hotspots and hot bodies! This is the place to find that secure, outdoorsy type with a love for the beach.
Madison, NJ comes in 5th with a 30% single rate. Only a short train-ride from Manhattan, Madison will transport you to another world. Called an “idyllic time warp,” if you’re looking for a small town feel with big community spirit, you just may find what you’re looking for right here.
Lucky for you, wherever you live in the world, Zyngle can help connect you with that special someone who also searches for YOU! Remember money doesn’t buy happiness, true love really exists and you WILL find the one!
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Match Made in (Cyber) Heaven!
August 16, 2011 By
Vivien Lake
Back in the day, Matchmaking was the way. Long gone are the days when parents would hire a matchmaker to find the perfect match for their adult children to marry. Now we yield the power to find our own “match made in heaven;” it aint always easy folks. If it were, there would be no need for dating services, online-dating sites, personal ads, etc. Finding a mate has become a lot like buying or selling a car. You talk up the good points and put your best picture up hoping you’re the one they’ve been looking for or vice versa. You take into consideration the age of the car, the model, the condition, location, etc. A car can be easier to sell, and we don’t take it so personally if it isn’t what the other was looking for. Just as there are many outlets to find or sell that perfect car, there are also endless sources out there to help you find that perfect mate. You’re here at Zyngle, so you’re on the right track and found an abundant source. Now it is important to make sure you’ve mastered all of your “selling points.” I’ve included some pointers here to help you keep it in perspective.
1. Be Realistic. “If you look like “Rosanne” don’t try to find a Brad Pitt look-alike.” Says matchmaker Barbara Brooks.
2. Know your goals – if you’re looking for “someone with money” – don’t expect a long term commitment. It’s more important to look for a dependable person with a loving heart that is committed to you.
3. Don’t talk kids or ex’s! Mind your manners – it is just uncouth to talk about the tick tock of your baby clock, when you don’t even know your dates middle name! No one likes to feel second best even to a bad ex. Move forward.
4. Date!! The best rule to follow is get out there and date! Go on many dates with many different types of people. Open your heart and your mind and you’ll be surprised at the treasures you’ll find!
Be your own matchmaker! You know you the best. Make sure you put your best foot forward. Remember, just like finding that perfect car, know what you want and don’t settle for anything less!
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Say What You Mean and Mean What You Say!!
August 5, 2011 By
Vivien Lake
In on-line communications (ie: text or email) it can be difficult to decipher the intention behind the words. How many times have you received a text or email and were unsure of the exact meaning. Were they mad? Frustrated? Joking around? We choose the one we THINK it is: Often times our perception is just that….we hear what we want to hear. We often imagine the person talking to us as we read their message. It is easy to take something the wrong way when you can’t see the person’s expressions and hear the change of tone in their voice. Without those clues you are left to your own devices.
When you receive an email from a new potential date be sure to take it with “a grain of salt” don’t over analyze, don’t read “between the lines” take the words at face value and if you are unsure, ask. You have no way of knowing their personality, intentions or tone without first getting to know them firs. If you are still unsure, call. I know, call me old fashioned (just not OLD!), but skip the text or email and dial the phone! Hear the person’s voice. You can tell a lot about someone by their tone, inflection and rate of speech. It’s not what you say but HOW you say it….always. Think about the simple word “Thanks” - depending on the tone, it could be a genuine, “Thank you” or a sarcastic “Thanks! For nothing!” or “Whatever” can be taken to mean, “I don’t care,” “either way is fine,” “whatever, I’m done” “whatever you want” – depending on the intention behind the word.
Likewise, take this into consideration before pressing send on an email or text - Be sure your words can’t be misconstrued or misunderstood. It is important to re-read it before you send it and make sure it is clear and concise (Fun and lively can’t hurt either). So whether sending or receiving texts or emails from perspective dates, be as choosy with your words as you are with your dates!
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The Language of Love!
August 3, 2011 By
Vivien Lake
Body language expert, Kevin Hogan reminds us that you have “only 4 seconds to make a good impression.” He goes on to say that “this is used as a yardstick for all future communication by those whom you meet.” We all know we shouldn’t, but in those first few seconds you will be judged on your intelligence, on whether they like you or not, if you are nice or friendly. There is no getting around it. Most people do it unconsciously without even realizing it. They decide they like you or don’t like you and aren’t even sure why. He also says that, “You can't make a good first impression through your words alone. In fact, nonverbal communication is between 60 to 75% of the impact of a communication.” If your words don’t match your body language what you’re saying won’t ring true. Here are some things to watch for from your date to help you determine if it’s hot or not…
1. Is your date slouching or sitting at attention? If the person across from you looks or acts bored, chances are…they ARE bored.
2. Are they leaning forward and making good eye contact? If so you’ve captured their attention and they are beginning to feel comfortable with you.
3. Pay attention to “mirroring” – if your date is matching your body language and your breathing rhythm it’s a good sign that you’re in sync.
4. If their arms are crossed it can indicate a wall or being on the defensive. Try to help them feel more relaxed and at ease.
5. Are they smiling and seem interested then it is almost certain that they are.
Non-verbal cues are subtle but so significant! Be sure to project the image you want your date to sense as well. If you want them to know you’re enjoying their company, smile, be in the moment and look into their eyes. The eyes are the windows to the soul. Let them see inside.
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Like a Moth to a Flame; Attracting Your Mate
July 26, 2011 By
Vivien Lake
Do you always seem to “settle?” You’re simply tired of looking for that perfect skirt, shirt, tie, perfect mate…you end up settling for something mediocre when you really wanted something extraordinary. If you accept mediocre, that’s as good as it gets. On the other hand, if you keep your eye on the ball and refuse to accept anything less than spectacular - Guess what? You CAN have your cake and eat it too! Otherwise why bake the cake at all, right? That kind of limited mentality can limit your options. You deserve to be swept off your feet, carried away by that passionate, exciting love that you seek. Don’t settle, attract what you want… perhaps I can help:
1. Know your worth. You deserve the best life has to offer. If you haven’t been getting the best, then you’ve been settling for less than you deserve. Imagine how rich life can be if you had the things you truly desire. Don’t give up, it’s our there – It’s yours for the taking. You CAN have the things you want when you believe you can and go after it.
2. Confidence is Key. The old saying, “you must love yourself first” is true. If you can’t find anything to love about yourself, how can you expect others to? Focus on the positive things– let the negative fall away. Do things that make you feel good about yourself, wear your favorite outfit, get a new hair-do, try a new sport. It’s never too late to re-invent yourself.
3. Shared Interests. It’s important to look for people that share your interests and values. You will have more to talk about and will understand each other on another level.
4. Take Action. Participate in your life. Act don’t re-act! Develop the qualities in yourself you’d like to see in your mate. You want someone active in the community? Get out there and become active yourself. You want someone who is healthy and works-out? You should be healthy and working out, etc.
5. Honesty is the Best Policy. Say what you mean and mean what you say! Don’t prolong the inevitable. If you know it isn’t working out, stop going out! Move on. Don’t play the games.
If you’ve had trouble attracting the kind of person you want in your life, take a good look at yourself. Get to know yourself better and the answers will become clear. You’re soul mate is on the look-out for you too. If your date doesn’t make your heart beat fast and your palms get sweaty…ask yourself, if this is as good as it gets, how good is it? Is “good enough” really good enough?
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It’s Never Too Late to Re-evaluate!
July 26, 2011 By
Vivien Lake
Most of us have a pretty clear picture of what we are looking for in a mate. I’ve even encouraged you to make a list to really figure out what you want in a partner. I’m sure if we were all to compare lists we would find things like: honesty, sense of humor, smart, caring, understanding, a good listener, not too hard on the eyes, and the list goes on… you get the idea. Men and women are certain to be looking for many of the same traits in each other but research has shown that our focuses definitely differ. It is important for you to take a fresh look at your list from time to time. You may want to re-prioritize or make some additions and/or subtractions. I’ve listed a few things that are essential in any fulfilling, happy, healthy relationship…did they make your list?
1. Friendship – this is first and foremost, if don’t have a solid foundation, how do you expect to build a future? You MUST be friends first. You MUST feel comfortable and have fun with this person you want to spend the rest of your life with. If you aren’t friends – you definitely shouldn’t be spouses.
2. Heart Wide Open – It is always important for you to stay open and to find a partner who is also open and flexible. It is healthy to be able to share and express your feelings and desires without feeling self-conscious or silly. You want to feel like you can tell them anything and not be judged. Be open to who they are and they will be open to who you are and if not – not worth it.
3. Laugh!! – You must be able to laugh, be silly, have fun, try new things, explore, experience and enjoy each other. Life is all about the journey, it is important for you to pick someone you truly have a great time with to ensure your journey will be great!
4. Attitude – They say you can tell everything you need to know about someone by the way they react when they lose their luggage or their car keys. Life is 95% attitude and it’s important to have a good, positive one and to surround yourself with others who share it. Attitude is everything. What does yours say about you?
5. Honesty & Integrity – Let’s be honest – these two things aren’t always easy to find and don’t always go hand in hand! It is so important that your partner be honest with you and others! Are they fair? Do they “practice what they preach?” Be honest with yourself and don’t settle for anything less.
I could go on to list many more things to look for in your mate, but I’ll keep those for my own list. Now pull that old list out and take another gander or flat out make a new one. It is time to update and re-evaluate the kind of partner you want in your life! It’s never too late to snag the perfect mate!!
6. Maturity and Responsibility
Maintains a clean house, pays bills and handles finances Is able to take care of himself or herself
Follows through on promises, shows up on time, doesn't let people down
Respects your boundaries, feelings, time, etc.
7. High Self-esteem
Takes pride in himself or herself without being arrogant
Takes care of body, living environment, car, possessions
Does not allow other people to mistreat him/her
8. Positive Attitude Towards Life
Focuses on solutions instead of problems
Turns obstacles into opportunities
Sees the good in situations and people
Now that your list is complete consider some flaws that are fatal to a relationship. Your partner might have one or more of these traits and still be capable of having a relationship. However, you may have a problem-filled relationship. According to Barbara DeAngelis, PhD the following is a list of fatal flaws:
• Addictions
• Anger
• Victim consciousness
• Control freak
• Sexual dysfunction
• Hasn't grown up
• Emotionally unavailable
• Hasn't recovered from past relationships
• Emotional damage from childhood
Analyze Yourself
Next, turn the examination inwards. Ask yourself what is holding you back from having a loving relationship. Perhaps you are hurt from a previous break-up. Maybe you are afraid of commitment. Identify these issues and handle them . In addition, examine your previous relationships and learn from them. What mistakes did you make? What aspects of a previous relationship would you want to develop in future relationship(s)? Finally, examine other factors that might affect your partner choice: cultural norms, expectations of male and female roles, religious background, and socioeconomic needs.
Analyze Your Relationship
Once you are in a relationship continue to examine your compatibility with your partner. Do not overlook compatibility issues in order to be in a relationship. In other words, do not ignore warning signs of potential problems. Other mistakes include making compromises, such as eliminating activities you like because they don't interest your partner or reducing communication with family members your partner dislikes.
Talk to Your Partner
You should not be hesitant to ask your partner questions. You need to find out the behaviors and attitudes you can expect for later. It is important to learn not only about your partner but also about your partner's relationship with his or her family. Moreover, learning about your partner's family will provide insights about your partner. Here is a list of questions you could ask:
• What do you like to do for fun? What did you do for fun when you were younger? How often do you get out and have fun? How much time per week do you take for leisure activities? What do you do when you want to relax? What do you like to do on vacation? What were your friendships like when you were growing up?
• How do you handle tough times? How have you handled some of the difficult situations in your life?
• What were your parents like when you were growing up? How did their opinions influence you, then and now? How did your parents get along? How have you changed over the years?
• What are your plans for the future? What are your attitudes and what is your style for handling money? Do you like to help with household chores? What do you like to talk about? What conversations do you like to avoid?
Take Your Time
Overall, be patient. Take the time to get to know potential partners before jumping into a relationship. After all, you wouldn't select the first apple that caught your eye in the produce bin! Why be any less selective with your choice of mate?
References:
1. James, John and Schlesinger, Ibis. How to Choose the Right Partner? Addison- Wesley: Menlo Park, CA; 1987.
2. DeAngelis, Barbara, Ph.D. Are You the One for Me? Delacorte Press: New York; 1992.
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Bring on the FIREWORKS!
July 1, 2011 By
Vivien Lake
As we come upon the 4th of July holidays I think of fun, friend filled BBQ’s, warm summer days, and of course the incredible Firework show to round out the evening. I felt it appropriate to discuss how to create those fireworks in your relationship any day of the week!! It’s important to fan the flames to sustain and ignite any romantic relationship; without fanning the flames the fire will surely go out and you’ll be left in the cold with nothing but ashes. So here goes, read on for some important tips to keep the fire burning!
1. KISS! ….ALOT – Kissing is one of the most intimate things you can do while fully clothed yet arouses those feelings of desire … and it can be so fun!
2. Power Down – Pretend the power is out and you can’t watch TV, cook or any of the norm. Order in, light some candles and talk! When you take away outside stimulation you will find much more entertaining ways to spend time with your partner and feel much more connected. Move away from routine now and then.
3. Take time for each other- It’s true we can get so busy that the important things in our lives can fall by the wayside. Don’t let your relationship become the fallout of busy days- Time is like money you make it for the things you want in your life. Prioritize – make that special person in your life truly feel special.
4. Gratitude – Stop to appreciate something your partner did or does for you. Even if it is as simple as making the coffee in the morning – this is two- fold – it lets your partner know they are appreciated and loved and makes them want to continue to do nice things for you, because you take the time to notice and reciprocate!
5. Don’t forget the little things –why not bring flowers home for no good reason – it’s always more fun to receive unexpected flowers, kisses, compliments, notes…etc. Hide a note in their wallet reminding them they are loved and that you wish them a happy day or can’t wait to see them. The little things make way for the big things…
If you feel like the grass is greener on the other side, it simply means you’re not spending enough time watering your own lawn. Take time for your partner, make them feel special and important in your world – and in turn they will make you feel special and give you the world! You get what you give – Every time.
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Cyber Smarts
June 28, 2011 By
Vivien Lake
Online dating grows every day. It has proven to be an incredible way for people to meet, date and perhaps take a walk down the aisle. Each year millions of people log on in hopes of meeting the “ONE.” It is considered by most to be a safe way to meet prospective dates. But you need to be careful out there; even in the prettiest bunch of apples you can find a bad seed. I want to help educate you on how to have a better, safer, more rewarding online dating experience.
1. TRUST YOUR INTUITION – This is number one for a reason. One of the most important tools in your toolbox is your gut! Be alert from the very first communication; pay attention to emails, phone conversations or when you meet face to face; you know that feeling you get around someone when something is just kind of “off, “ or doesn’t feel quite right – listen to it, trust it and BEWARE, proceed with CAUTION.
2. PROTECT YOUR PERSONAL INFORMATION – Keep home phone numbers, home address, and place of work under wraps. Use a free email account (Yahoo!, Hotmail or google) and only put your first name at the end of communications, don’t’ put your last name. Only give a cell phone number and don’t have them pick you up at your home. (see next tip) This includes Facebook and other social media (ie:twitter, LinkedIn, etc) – make sure your security settings are at their best and make sure you know who to add as your friends.
3. THE MORE THE MERRIER! – For the first couple of dates, until you feel comfortable about whom this person is, meet in a public place – (again, do not have them pick you up at home). The more people around the better and ALWAYS tell someone close to you who you’re going to be with and where you plan on going. It’s good to drive yourself too, so you have a way out in case the date goes sour.
4. ATTENTION TO DETAILS – It’s okay to ask for a recent photo. A lot of folks like to use an old photo that really doesn’t show their true colors. Pay attention to subtle clues! MSNBC once did a report that found that up to 30% of people using online dating services were married –you’ve been dating a while, but they won’t let you see their place, or take a lot of phone calls privately while on your date, etc. (Your intuition will come in handy here). Watch for red flags and pay attention to them!
Okay guys we are smart, educated people, why when it comes to online dating so many of us can be clueless! Be cautious, protect yourself and you can be more confident in your online dating experiences. Don’t beat yourself up if you fell for a scam; just use that information in your arsenal for next time. Learn from your mistakes and they aren’t mistakes at all!
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5 STEPS to DATING BLISS...
June 21, 2011 By
Vivien Lake
Last week we talked about certain types of personalities we’d like to avoid in the dating pool. Today I want to talk about 5 things YOU can do to take control of your dating pool and to improve your chances to land your perfect partner. Some of these I've said before, but felt they were worth repeating...
1. AGE MATTERS:
Okay I know Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher come to mind or maybe Hugh Hefner and Crystal (there is a reason she called off the wedding, folks) – I want you to really think about this one. While age isn’t the determining factor, to find what you are truly looking for, it is an important one. I’ve heard the formula of taking your age, dividing it in half and adding 7 years and that is the youngest person you should consider dating. (ex: if your 44(divide by 2) 22+7 = your youngest date should be 29) Let’s be real - it is not easy to find a 20 year old that has the same taste in music, art or even conversation as their 44 year old date. Be realistic in what you want and if it is something long term – use the formula. You may want to update your makeout music too. Barry Manilow may not exactly put your date in the mood.
2. THINK more than DRINK
You can tell a lot about the person by how many drinks they knock back on your first date. 1-2 glasses should be your limit on new relationships. Drinking can muddy your thinking and cause you to make choices you will regret in the morning – if you remember them. This is a big one and can be a big turn off to your date – no one enjoys babysitting the drunk guy/girl – take it slow and easy and make sure you know what you’re getting yourself into.
3. HONESTY is the BEST POLICY
Be honest with yourself – pay attention to the red flags and avoid repeating the same patterns that have failed you in the past. If it didn’t work then, it won’t work now, trying something different. Be honest with your date – don’t lie about your work, your age, your weight – if this thing gets serious you’ll have some explaining to do. Keep it simple and real and your relationship will stand a chance.
4. THE ART of LOVE
Your dates may consist of the following: dinner and a movie, maybe a drink after – if you keep doing the same thing now's the time to switch it up – go wild, take your date to a Roller Derby Bout or an Art Opening, you'll earn extra points for creativity and your date will stand out as something fun and different and so will you.
5. PROUD to be ME
Be proud of who you are and if you don’t currently like that person, change it, you’re the only one who can. Go to the gym, expand your horizons, join a cooking class, it’s never too late to teach an old dog new tricks as long as the dog is willing to learn. When you feel better about yourself you’ll make better decisions for yourself because you’ll realize YOU DESERVE the BEST and you won’t settle. Talk more at parties, be less critical and stop looking for deal-breakers after the first “Hello.” Good luck and Happy dating!!
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DATERS be AWARE (Part 2)
June 13, 2011 By
Vivien Lake
Dater’s “Beware” sounded so ominous! And that’s not what I’m aiming for. I’m just nudging you to become more aware of the decisions your making and letting you know that it’s okay not to “settle” - in fact urging you against it! Know who you are and what you want and you’ll find it! It can be hard to know “what you want” -- perhaps I can help you at least figure out what you don’t want, which is half the battle won!
SHOW ME THE MONEY!
Is it for love or money? There are T.V. shows about this stuff. Material things are just that, material, take them away and what are you left with? What kind of car do you drive? Where do you work? Where do you live? – be aware of those more concerned with money, status and appearances than with family, love, security = red flag - You can learn a lot about someone by finding out what the hold near and dear.
JUDGE ME NOT
You know the type, arrogant, self absorbed and judgmental of everyone else! They act as if they are above everyone else and enjoy a good, heated one-sided debate. It’s not what you say, but how you say it! – They can be rude and insensitive in their tone and attitude without even realizing it, “You’re going to wear that Tie?” Or “What did you do to your hair?” Don’t waste another minute with this gal/guy.
REBOUND
It’s never fun being the rebound girl/guy. You have to be especially careful when dating a newly single person. They are more vulnerable and can be bitter and resentful – making you pay for their exes mistakes! They treat you as if they can read your mind and know exactly what you’re going to say or do based on past experience. Stay away… You’re not their ex and don’t deserve to be treated like one.
CLING-ON!
You know the ones you just can’t shake. They want to spend EVERY waking second together! Ugh! You desperately need a breather and aren’t sure how to say it without hurting their over-sensitive feelings. This will never last; you will end up resenting and dreading time with this person! Make sure you have your space and they do too. If they don’t like it? More space is needed!
Always keep in mind that there are more good catches out there than bad! I’ll shine a light on those next week! Don’t stop fishing just because you have to throw some unworthy ones back, throw your line back in the waters and wait for the next fish to come along – it just may be delicious!
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DATERS BEWARE! (PART 1)
June 7, 2011 By
Vivien Lake
While I think it is important to switch it up if you don’t like the results you’ve been consistently getting, I’ve put together a few “types” of people, male/female to avoid altogether or at least for that tiny siren to go off in your head when you start to see some of the red flags! There are ALWAYS red flags; just sometimes we’d prefer to ignore them. So what if they haven’t worked in the last 3 years, they are smokin’ HOT! So what if they complain about EVERYTHING, check out his CAR! Chivalry is NOT dead; you just don’t require it! You get my drift….
RUDE MUCH?
You know the type. They are NEVER satisfied and aren’t afraid to tell you again and again and again... They look at kind gestures as having an angle or you’re being manipulative to get what you want. They feel nice guys/gals are weak. They think the world should revolve around their wants and needs….Sorry, I don’t think so!
POTTY MOUTH?
Does your date talk like a truck driver? Do you wonder if they know any other four letter words other than curse words? It makes the person sound dumb and gets old REAL FAST.
THE PARANOID DETECTIVE
Sometimes our psyche can play tricks on us. We’ve maybe been hurt in the past which makes us more paranoid in the future. A little paranoia/curiosity is normal and acceptable, but be careful they don’t take it too far. Do they trust you? Do they pick up your phone and check your messages? Do they creep on your Facebook or Twitter pages? Do they complain about your girl “friends” or guy “friends?” Do they want All of you attention ALL OF THE TIME? If you answered yes to 2 or more of these, do yourself a favor, get out now! They probably already think you want out any way!
LAZY DOG!
Okay, maybe we are in a recession. There are some upstanding individuals that ARE trying desperately to get a job in this tough marketplace. BUT if day after day the person is at the beach or lounging on the couch and you see no real effort or plan…don’t expect a dog to change his spots. If they are lazy now they are lazy later and will expect you to pick up the slack. Hope you’ve been working out!
Okay that’s it for this week. I’ll feed you in small increments in hopes that some of it sticks. Know you are worth the best and don’t settle for anything less! Keep your eyes and your ears open and alert! Your soul mate is out there – it’s just a matter of time and spotting the signs to move on.
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Stuck in a rut?
May 31, 2011 By
Vivien Lake
It’s so easy to get stuck in a rut. It’s easy to take your relationship, ultimately your partner for granted. Often we don’t realize how good we have it until it is gone! In an effort to serve my faithful readers, I ran across these 10 tips for Better Relationships by Gahl Sasson. I think they are spot on… and hey, who can’t use the advice. We aren’t perfect and can always improve. You may find something here that reminds you of some changes you can make in your relationship. Take what you can from it and discards what doesn’t pertain to you and your relationship. For me all 10 are good rules to love by. Alas, my relationship with my partner is my own as yours is yours. I do hope you find them helpful, but most of all useful. Try them out! I think you’ll be surprised at how your relationship can evolve…
1. Give your partner what he/she wants before they ask for it. Be a knight, be a Lady, be nice!
2. Balance your relationship! Libra, the sign of relationships is symbolized by the scales. Give as much as you receive, talk as much as you listen, pleasure as much as you enjoy.
3. Give your partner space. While Location, Location, Location is the real estate agents’ mantra, Space, Space, Space should be yours.
4. Communicate about everything immediately. Don’t wait! The longer you hold something in, the more damage it causes.
5. Communicate, but not when you are emotionally charged. Most ancient Greek tragedies (emphasis on the tragedy) were woven around the clash between the opposing forces of reason and passion. Both energy fields are needed in a relationship. However, keep the reason for conversations and the passion for the bedroom. Don’t mix!
6. NEVER take your partner for granted! That is the apocalypse of all relationships. Always spend a few moments thanking the Universe, God, your mother-in-law and your good fortune for sending you your loved one.
7. Relationships evolve. Don’t try to avoid change, it’s inevitable. According to Taoism, we start our relationships with the Yang, the masculine principle, but if we want the relationship to continue to evolve we must move to the Yin, the feminine principle. Yang is the part when we fall in love, have sex three times a day, and act all cute and childlike. It’s super fun, but it can burn us if we don’t cool it and move to the Yin principle. Yin symbolizes the feminine energies of family, security, and commitment.
8. Try to make friends with your partner’s friends and have your partner connect to your friends. The Sufis say – show me your friends and I will tell you who you are. Most important, make sure to establish common friends as a couple.
9. Do not punish! Forgive them, even if your partner is infuriating and did not wash the dishes, pair up the socks, or check the pockets before washing your lipstick. When you punish the one closest to you, you punish yourself. It’s self-destructive.
10. Always keep an element of surprise. Spontaneity, adventures, breaking the routine and doing things together that you have never done before (camping, traveling to an exotic country, mountain climbing) will generate stories that belong only to the two of you.
So tonight surprise your partner with a candlelight dinner? Leave a short note for them on their windshield if you leave before they do! Remind them often how much they mean to you and how lucky you feel to be their partner. You will always get what you give! What are you getting??
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Finding The One!
May 20, 2011 By
Vivien Lake
In a recent article Dating with Science on your Side, posted by John Sharp. I found some interesting tidbits that I wanted to share with my loyal daters!
He was writing about the numbers game, and summed it up like this…
“… You do need to set your “aspiration level” – your ideal mate based on a realistic view of who’s available and whom you can attract – and date those people you consider to be in the top 25%. That means you shouldn’t set your expectations too unrealistically high or low.
In other words, you have to go on roughly 10 first dates, with mates who are within your aspiration level. If after 10 dates there’s someone you want to go back to and he or she is available, then go for it. But give yourself those 10 first dates.”
It’s like I’ve said before…it may take 3 it may take 10, all it takes is finding that ONE! The right ONE. You need to get out and experiment! If the girls/guys you’d normally be attracted to and go out with aren’t available or interested or are simply boring you to tears…think outside of the box! The definition of a crazy person is someone who keeps doing the same thing over and over again but expects a different result. Stop driving yourself crazy and test drive a different make and model! With on-line dating you have virtually EVERY kind of man/woman at your fingertips! Maybe you normally go for the uber good-looking, complete princess/or jerk and are tired of yielding the same results. Maybe try someone who is more simple, good-looking but interesting as well, or maybe they aren’t dripping sexy but they have much more to offer in all the other areas you’re looking for. Every date you go on gets you closer to the “one”- you hone in on the things you really like or really don’t like and add that to your criteria, moving you closer to your perfect mate. So switch it up! …You never know, you just might find what you’re looking for where you never even thought to look!
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Time to Meet the Parents?
May 10, 2011 By
Vivien Lake
We can pick our friends, we can pick our partners, jobs, etc…but, we are given siblings, parents, cousins, aunts, uncles, and NOT an option. That can seem wildly unfair. Often times our family members know us better than anyone else. They’ve been around long enough to know when we’re not being sincere, have something to hide, or have fallen in love!
Often when it comes to dating, we sorely overlook this invaluable resource. Learn to trust your family and you’ll have radar you’ve probably overlooked. Our family members can view our relationship and our significant other through a much clearer lens. They are good at pointing out some things you may not have seen or have chosen to ignore. You may not want your family to “meddle” with your love life but you need a new perspective. Take it with a grain of salt, listen to what they have to say, take it into consideration, discard what doesn’t apply to you and realize they just may know what they’re talking about.
Not looking forward to that awkward “Meet my parents” night? Keep it lighthearted and fun. It’s always nice to bring a thoughtful gift. Try to keep politics, religion and sex OUT of the conversation. These are all people who will be spending a lot of holidays and special events together and your life will be a lot easier if they all get along. So don’t be shy, get it over with and be proud of where you come from. Our family and our life experiences converge to make us who we are. Not only will you learn a lot from your family’s perspective but you will learn a lot about your mate when you meet THEIR family. By inviting your partner to meet your folks, you are letting them know you are proud of your relationship and excited to share them with your family and vice versa.
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Divorced and Dating... When is it time to meet the children
May 3, 2011 By
Vivien Lake
Author Richard Bach put it best, “I didn’t just get a divorce, I graduated. I learned what I needed to learn from that chapter in my life and now it’s time to move forward.” Be grateful for those experiences, they make us who we are and help us better understand what we are really looking for in a partner.
People often have misconceived notions about a single parent, (mother or father). They say that it should be all about the kids, that the parents needs don’t matter, are secondary. I’m here to tell you, you are JUST as important as your children. In fact, by taking care of YOU, you can take better care of them! So give yourself permission to be a woman/man with needs and desires, there is time to be both a good parent and good to yourself. It’s easy to feel guilty when you start dating. You become fearful of what your children will think of them and wonder if they’re ready. We wonder what people would say… but why do we care what others will think? Everyone will have an opinion but then they move on with their lives leaving us stuck with ours. Trust yourself. Make your choices based on what YOU feel is right, not on what you think everyone else would say is the right thing to do!
You must learn to trust yourself. Be a good judge of character. You know you wouldn’t date a louse and you certainly wouldn’t get your children involved prematurely. When the time is right you will know… a few things to keep in mind:
1. It is not necessary to introduce your kids to every guy who takes you for coffee.
2. Have a reliable sitter lined up when going on dates, so you don’t have to bring the kids along or cancel your date.
3. Be truthful with your date and your children. Don’t sneak around or lie to either of them.
4. Be responsible and caring and set a good example for your children. Let them know its normal for you to date and make new friends.
5. Stay in the moment. When someone takes you on a date. Enjoy the date. Know your children are safe and sound with a reliable, responsible sitter and let your hair down! It’s okay to talk about your children but keep it to a minimum. Few things can ruin a romantic mood faster.
6. When you’ve established the relationship and know this one is sticking around… then it’s time.
You’re divorced, not DEAD! This can be an exciting time in your and your children’s life. They will get to know a happier mom or dad and you can show them what a happy, healthy relationship should look like. Your new chapter will be what you make it. You hold the pen, create the life you desire. Trust yourself as your children do.
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IT'S THE LITTLE THINGS…
April 26, 2011 By
Vivien Lake
Last time we talked about communication. Listening is an important aspect of any relationship. By listening you can pick up hints and clues about the “little things” that matter to your date. You will score major points by paying attention to the small stuff; (ie: a new hair cut, a new dress, a new tie, his/her favorite drink) whatever it is…if you notice, it sends the signal to the other person that they are important, that you care and that is HUGE. How often have we been around our married/long term relationship friends that mention, “it’s the small things… he/she used to send me a text everyday to just say “I’m thinking of you,” or would send me flowers “just because.” “I’ve been a brunette all my life, but I bet if I went blonde tomorrow, he wouldn’t even notice”…you get the idea. I want to remind you to NOTICE. Stay in the moment, stay present and THEY will notice. It’s so easy to get wrapped up in your own little bubble - for your mind to take a quick trip to the Bahamas, thinking about what you have going on tomorrow or next week, but by doing that it takes you out of the moment and makes your date feel that you are distant or uninterested. Live in the now! Yesterday is history, tomorrows a mystery, but today is a gift, don’t you want to be there to open it?
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The Key to Success
April 20, 2011 By
Vivien Lake
Want to know the secret to being a good date (friend, boyfriend, son, daughter, etc)…communication is the key! Especially in a new relationship – if you’re not paying attention, you’ll miss important hints and information they are relaying to you with their words and body language. To be able to relate to your partner, it is important to understand and respect how the other person communicates.
1. Open up: When you open up, it helps your partner feel more secure and encourages them to open up more to you.
2. Listen carefully. Don’t interrupt the other person.
3. Validate their feelings – let them know you understand their perspective and offer your own if it differs. You don’t have to agree. Most of the time just understanding the others position is enough.
4. Do not judge or criticize, this will make your date feel uncomfortable and regret their decision to talk it over with you. They will shut down.
5. Don’t panic. Take a deep breath – if the subject becomes too intense let them know you’d like to talk to them more about it, however you need to take a break. Everything doesn’t have to be resolved instantaneously.
6. Don’t make assumptions. Ask questions. This engages your date and creates good conversation.
Everyone knows that women love to chat, but so do men, find some common ground. Talk about what interests you and why. When you have similar interests, conversation flows easy and your date is much more fun. You’ll begin to enjoy the others company and vice versa. Women feel more intimate with emotional exchange while men feel more intimate with saliva exchange. So I’m here to say you can both get what you want if you know how to communicate effectively. Choose your words wisely and listen up.
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BAGGAGE CHECK
March 29, 2011 By
Vivien Lake
For most people looking for love in cyber space - it isn’t your first time at bat or to strike out for that matter. Most of us have had previous relationships that have gone awry. And even some relationships that changed the course of our lives. Sometimes we’ve been burned and sometimes we were the ones holding the flame. It can be hard to let go of the hurt, anger, betrayal etc. Then, just as we start to feel “normal” again, we meet someone new, exciting, different than the others. No matter how hard we try it seems we can’t shake the ghost of the past relationship and the emotions that come along with it. Expecting you’re new interest to act, react and behave just like your last lover is sure to cause problems in your blossoming relationship. When we let those insecurities control our minds and actions, we can lash out at our new partner for old hurts and that’s simply not fair. How do you stop? The first step is becoming aware that you are doing it and the second step is admitting it. Talk to your new date, apologize and explain how you were treated in your past relationship and why whatever the situation was brings up all those old feelings and insecurities. Chances are your date will appreciate your honesty and it will bring you closer as you learn deeper lessons about one another.
We’ve all got our baggage. The important thing is untie it from your ankle so it stops weighing you down and ruining any chance of a new relationship. Find new ways to deal with situations and remind yourself this is someone new and enjoy getting to know them for who they really are, instead of who you hope they are not.
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Dating is a marathon not a race
March 23, 2011 By
Vivien Lake
Do you have dating fatigue? We’ve all experienced it – you’ve been out on countless lame dates and aren’t sure you’re up for one more! I’m here to egg you on….don’t give up – you’re quest for love isn’t over, but it may be time to take a little break-to rethink your strategy and recharge your batteries. Every date or encounter doesn’t always have to be “the one.” It’s okay; relax – enjoy and take it all in stride. You never know where love will find you; usually it is in the most unusual place and when you’re least expecting it. Join clubs, sporting leagues, drama groups, go out with friends, anything that will help you socialize “just for fun.” Do something stimulating where you can learn and enjoy new things and meet like minded people. Take dating for what it is…dating. It’s meeting new people, socializing – some you may never see again, and some will become lifelong friends. Keep it light and fun!
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Tips and tricks to make love stick
March 16, 2011 By
Vivien Lake
In 2010, 17 percent of couples who married met online. According to mobile research group Ground Truth, mobile dating has increased by 92 percent since June 2010. That’s a big jump and proof that many more are taking a giant leap into the dating pool. On-line dating certainly makes that pool much bigger than ever before and making your odds much better. But with bigger pools can come bigger sharks. It can be tough to navigate those waters so here I’m offering a few tips see through the muck and find what you’re truly looking for.
1. Never allow a potential date to pick you up at home. Meet at a public place, just like when we were kids….safety in numbers. Avoid any parks or secluded areas, remember you don’t know this person. Also by driving yourself there you won’t feel “trapped” and can leave at any time you feel necessary.
2. It’s acceptable to go “dutch”. This eases any obligation you may feel and keeps things on an even playing field.
3. Trust your instincts. If something feels “off” it probably is. If something feels “right” go with it, don’t over analyze.
4. Be sure to tell someone where you are going and with whom.
5. Don’t give your home or work number, cell numbers are best.
6. Listen. Don’t do all the talking. Show the other you’re interested – ask questions. Read their profile; ask questions about things they are interested in.
7. I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again. Be authentic. Be honest about what you are looking for.
8. Don’t talk about your EX!! They don’t want to hear about and you shouldn’t want to talk about it.
9. Be confident. Confidence is alluring.
10. Be spontaneous. Try new things. Be open-minded–as humans, we are always learning and growing. By doing things outside your designated comfort zone, you allow yourself the opportunity to experience something new and exciting.
So you’re ready! Dive in!! There’s plenty of room to explore! Be smart. Be YOU. You’ve got nothing to lose and everything to gain. Go for it! Good Luck~!
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It’s not YOU it’s ME!
March 4, 2011 By
Vivien Lake
1,2,3 How to be a better date!
KNOW YOUR LIMIT
You’re out on your first date. You’re nervous. You decide to have a shot or a glass of wine (maybe two) to loosen you up. Okay, you’re still in the safe zone – but beware – if you want this date to lead you to something a little more serious be sure to know your limits and obey them. A few cocktails will probably get the conversation flowing and keep things light and can be a great ice breaker. Too many cocktails can only lead to disaster.
BE PLAYFUL
Whether you like pool, ping-pong, darts, ice-skating, miniature golf – try something fun, exciting and inventive. Join the conversation
IT’S IN THE DETAILS
Nothing is more annoying on a date than your date asking you “where do YOU want to go?” “What do you want to eat?” Etc. This could be an uncomfortable volley where both parties don’t want to suggest something and sound stupid so they say “I don’t know, what do YOU want to do?” and so it begins. Make a plan and execute. It’s sexy and tells your date that this is someone who can make a decision for themselves. He/or she has it all worked out. Be flexible but be decisive.
Don’t forget to enjoy yourself. Life is about the journey not the destination. Have fun with the journey and before you know you’ll have reached your destination.
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KNOW THE STATS
March 1, 2011 By
Vivien Lake
There are some interesting statistics showing up for on-line dating in 2011. I know some of you don’t like looking at the statistics and it’s true they are not always accurate and don’t necessarily paint a perfect picture. But most often they are a good indication of the general direction of things. Here are a few that piqued my interest –
1. 1 of 10 users on a dating site is out to scam you. We discussed safety measures a few weeks back… don’t be alarmed, all this means is to educate yourself - be smart and responsible with your posts, emails and meetings.
2. 1 of 3 women who meet a man online will have sex during the first encounter. Wouldn’t that mean that 1 of 3 men also do the same…I’m sure they aren’t kicking anyone out of their bed. I’m not here to tell you how to live your life, but I would recommend to leave a little mystique on both sides, male or female, you want them to be intrigued and interested…leave some things to the imagination.
3. Men lie about their age, income and height and Women lie about their physical build, weight and age – Personally I find this interesting… so men think women are most concerned with the man’s age, income and height and women think men are most concerned with looks and age…talk about stereotypes!! People, I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again, be true to who you are – you do plan on meeting these cyber folks at some point, how will you then explain that you really meant you were 43, not 34, oh and by the way…that profile picture was taken 25years ago.
4. With 40% of Americans use online dating services with a high success rate.
5. 72% of women using these services found romance, while 52% of male online daters found their connection as well. The survey also showed that 33% of these people were able to convert the online dating experience into an actual date, with an average of 40% of those finding a serious, long term relationship or at least a friendship. This lead to an estimated 120,000 marriages per year.
See, you’re on to something my friends. On line dating services work. You just know how to work them!
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WHAT IS YOUR FOCUS?
February 18, 2011 By
Vivien Lake
It’s easy in your search for love to be focused on the lack there of. Today I want you to start to shift your focus from what you lack to what you love. You CAN get to where you want to be from where you are, but you need to stop spending so much time focusing on what you do NOT like about your current circumstances and instead make a list of the things you DO like. People are often eager to find their mate immediately, even though they are not really feeling good about themselves and where they are in life. Some may even believe that finding a mate is the path to feeling better about themselves. But I’m here to remind you that it is most certain you will not attract someone who will appreciate you if you’re not appreciating yourself first. How? A good way to begin is to start a gratitude journal – take five minutes each day either at the beginning or the end (or both) and write down 5-10 things you’re grateful for, anything from the “sun is shining” to “lunch with a friend” to “my comfy bed”. You’ll begin to realize by simply shifting your focus from the negative to the positive you will start to see more positive show up in your life. Go on; do it faithfully for two weeks and see what happens. Let me know what shows up in your life, I’d love to hear all about it. I’m here to remind you that you have plenty to be grateful for right now. I’m grateful for you.
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Be My Valentine…
February 14, 2011 By
Vivien Lake
I’m sure we are all well aware that Valentine’s Day is right around the corner. As it creeps closer those of us who don’t have a “valentine” start to panic. I’m here to tell you to stop panicking and start enjoying. Valentine’s Day isn’t just for couples (I know most advertising agencies beg to differ) but the truth is Valentine’s Day is a day to celebrate LOVE! Not only romantic love but simply all love between people, whether siblings, parents, children, best friends! Try not to define who you are by your relationship status. Your relationship status is not your identity. There are still several things you can do to celebrate with those you love and feel the love in the air on Valentine’s Day. It is my hope that perhaps these suggestions may help you enjoy Valentine’s day with a date or without one!...
Why not send a heartfelt Valentine to someone who has inspired or helped you in some way and remind them of how much they mean to you and how much they are loved and appreciated!
Make a homemade Valentine and send it to a long lost friend or favorite relative you haven’t seen in a while. Homemade are gifts are so much more fun to receive and you know how much thought and effort went into it.
Make someone’s day!! Send flowers, candy, a Valentine to someone who doesn’t have a sweetheart, and sign it anonymous. OOOOOh the mystique!
Make a Valentine’s Basket and send it to a family that has gone through a difficult time and sign it, From Your Guardian Angel.
By giving to others you’ll feel good about yourself. It doesn’t have to be costly, I’m sure even a single hand-picked flower would even do the trick. As long as it comes from the heart, it will be appreciated and enjoyed. So dust off that construction paper and get out the glue – celebrate those you love on Valentine’s day and it’s sure to be the best Valentine’s day ever!!
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DON’T BE SHY
February 7, 2011 By
Vivien Lake
Come on, admit it… unless fuelled by alcohol or sworn to secrecy you find it hard to admit that you’re looking for love in cyberspace. It has been said that more than 40 million people are looking for love with on-line dating services – so why is it so hard for people to admit it? Embarrassed? You shouldn’t be. My advice? Own it. Enjoy it. Admit it. Trust me, your friends will probably ask questions and may even make a snide remark or two but in the end, they’ll probably ask you how to sign up, what to put on their profile page and if you’ve had any luck. It’s 2011 people – just about everything is done on line these days – dating not excluded. As more and more people flock to their keyboards to search for their soul mate the less taboo it will become to have found your partner through the screen. So happy searching and may your true love be only a click away.
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EASY AS 1, 2, 3...
February 1, 2011 By
Vivien Lake
Last week I urged you to review your profile picture and make sure it reflects who you are and what you’re about. This week I’m going to give you some good, solid advice as to some things you can do to gloss up the rest of your profile until it is picture perfect.
1. HEY GOOD LOOKING…..Once your profile picture is in place take a look at what your profile says. Does it sound interesting? Unique? Or bland and characterless? Is this person someone YOU would want to go out with? If not, adjust accordingly. You want to create a profile that will attract as many people as possible, right? You don’t want to sound like everyone else; you want them to STOP in their tracks when they come across your photo and to be intrigued with your profile personality. So spice it up… what do you do for fun? Do you love salsa dancing? Going to the theater? Beach picnics? Bolder and more precise statements appeal more to the opposite sex; you sound more interesting and exciting, and not like every other profile they’ve looked at lately. Those who sound quick witted and humorous will get double the attention than those who take a more subdued approach. Stay away from negative statements like “I’m lonely” or “True love doesn’t exist” etc. It is important to stay upbeat, who would want to date Debby Downer or Negative Nate? Not me…and most likely, not you either. Switch it up now and again, if something isn’t working change it. Play with it until you’re getting the responses you’re hoping for.
2. Hey, what do you say?? A good conversation is a great sign of compatibility. If you hit it off with someone and the conversation flows, you’re off to a great start! Ask questions, don’t just talk about yourself, be interested in their responses, in what they have to say….it’s a two way street as they say. A compliment never hurts, pay attention to what they’re interested in… if you like their smile or notice they are outdoors hiking or on a boat, anything you find appealing and that is something you enjoy, mention it. It’s a great conversation piece and will make the other person feel good at more at ease.
3. Be YOURSELF! Most important: be genuine. Don’t try to be something you’re not. Be true to yourself and let your personality shine through! It’s annoying when people are trying too hard for your affection. It’s easy to sense and an easy turn off. You want this person to love you for who you are… not for who you’re pretending to be. If this encounter should happen to progress into a relationship, you want it to be authentic and real - and that’s what you should be too.
So there you have it, three great ways to get your profile shining and those messages coming!! Take a close look at your profile and ask yourself if you’d be interested? If you’re not even interested, how can you expect others to be?
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What does your Profile Picture say about you?
January 26, 2011 By
Vivien Lake
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, that profile picture is important. Like it or not, it’s the online version of a “first impression”. So take a good look at the picture you chose and determine what it might say about you… according to research done by Oktrends! in an article by Christian Rudder they studied more than 7,000 profile pictures and here are some of their findings…
WOMEN:
It wasn’t surprising to me that they found that women smile 50% more than men in their photos. But it turns out that the women that not only smiled, but flirted directly into the camera had more interest = more messages. I found this strange but they also found that the BEST shot for women was the “MySpace” shot – where the person takes the picture of themselves, holding the camera slightly above their heads, with a flirty, coy smile. Not too surprising is the effect of the “cleavage shot” for women…again, if you’ve got it flaunt it! It helps, not hinders! But lets be honest, you may not want they guy that’s asking you out for your “nice rack”. You want something more meaningful; “the value of being conversation-worthy, as opposed to merely sexy, cannot be overstated.”
MEN:
Oddly men’s photos were more effective if they didn’t look directly at the camera and weren’t smiling! Perhaps it’s the mystique of what the object of their attention is? But the men who were looking flirty but were NOT looking directly at the camera did NOT get the result they were hoping for = less messages. Shirt off or on in your photo?? If you’re a guy with a great bod, they found it’s actually better to take your shirt OFF for your photo! A word of caution: “the effectiveness of the “ab pic” decreases sharply with age.”
ALL:
Don’t forget guys and gals, dating is always about playing to your strengths! If you got it flaunt it! Do they have to see my face?? Believe it or not: “Your face doesn’t necessarily matter. In fact, not showing your face can in fact be a positive, as long as you substitute in something unusual, sexy, or mysterious enough to make people want to talk to you.” Most importantly: You want to post a picture that piques the interest of the opposite sex. Okay, so now take a good long look at your photo and decide if it is projecting the image of you that you’d like others to notice. If you are not getting a lot of messages and interest, perhaps it’s time to update your picture to better represent yourself. Come on, we both know a picture can say a thousand words – what does your picture say about you?
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Safety First
January 6, 2011 By
Vivien Lake
Happy New Year! I hope you’ve all taken to my advice and wrote down some specific, attainable goals for yourself. Don’t forget to reward each accomplishment!
Okay, you’ve heard of safe sex, right! I do hope you’re practicing it. The old adage, “safety first” applies this week as I give you some internet dating safety tips. I know, I know, you probably think you’re one of the smart ones and don’t need “safety tips” for your on-line dating adventures. Of course, you’re sexy, savvy and careful but I think these tips are important for anyone. Most of us think “it won’t happen to me”… until it does. It’s easy to relax and let your guard down, and that’s when you can make a critical mistake. and put your safety at risk.
PRIVATE PARTS.
You’ve chosen wisely with Zyngle.com, we’re one of the good guys. Be sure that any internet site you’d be considering has a comprehensive online privacy policy that includes but not necessarily limited to never releasing your personal information to other members and not selling any information to third party vendors.
PICTURE PERFECT.
It’s important to post a great photo to your profile. But take care when choosing the photo, try not to use a picture in front of your home or any street signs that could give away where you reside. Got a little wild at a party last weekend? Don’t put the proof on-line – posting to Facebook, etc. Those kinds of pictures, (sexy, nude, or crude) could come back to haunt and embarrass you. Remember once a picture is posted, anyone can copy or lift it and use it for any number of purposes you didn’t anticipate.
What’s in an USERNAME?
The whole reason you need to choose an online “username” is to protect your privacy! Be cautious when selecting your username. If you can avoid it, don’t use the same username that you use for your email account. For example if your email is jessica73@something.com, don’t use jessica73 as your member name in your online profile! It would be really easy for someone to try it with the different server addresses until they locate your private email account.
LEAVE SOMETHING to the IMAGINATION!
Not giving out personal information in your profile is very important! This includes important details like where you work or live. Saying “Torrance” is fine, but stating a specific area or street makes it far too easy for someone you’ve never even communicated with to locate you. You will most likely talk about your job which is fine in general, but don’t be specific in naming the PLACE you work. You’d be easy to find and can open yourself up to possible harassment at work!
Use your PERSONAL RADAR.
Your intuition doesn’t lie. You can rely on it! Wait until you are completely comfortable with and feel you really know someone before giving out your vital personal information. Have your antennae up and be aware of any inconsistencies when talking, chatting or emailing with a prospective date, if they can’t keep their story straight, this can be an indication that they are hiding something. If they pressure you at all or you don’t feel completely at ease, don’t offer up any personal information; instead offer to meet them somewhere neutral like a restaurant or coffee house to get a better feel before the reveal. I hope you follow these simple tips. Using caution and simply being more aware will also help you navigate the virtual dating world more safely. It can be a jungle out there, but if you’re prepared, you’ll do just fine – and who knows you may even run into Tarzan….or Jane.
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Numbers Don’t Lie
December 31, 2010 By
Vivien Lake
While, personally I am a die-hard romantic who believes love does really win in the end, numbers don’t lie. Mr. or Mrs. Right is definitely out there. Know the right one will come along and go with the flow. I found the following statistics by Will Irving to be enlightening and I think you will too.
40 million Americans use online dating services.
That's about 40% of the adult American single population. It's not just a fad anymore, and it just might be your ticket to finding happiness.
44% of the adult American population is single.
That's over 100 million people, so your odds are actually much better than you think.
On average, there are 86 single men to every 100 single women in America.
This ratio is a bit better in the Southwest, and in warmer climates such as Texas, Florida, and California, the ratio in some cities actually favors the women
50% of New York state adults are unmarried, making it the best state for single people.
Washington, D.C. actually boasts a 70% single rate, making it the best area (although not a state) for single people. The states with the worst ratios are Idaho and Utah, with 40% and 41% single, respectively.
51% percent of single people surveyed say that flattery is the best way to attract someone.
According to Are You Normal About Sex, Love, and Relationships? 25% also say to use touching as a way to flirt is very effective, and a surprising 23% say that the best way to let someone know you're interested in them is the old schoolyard method of passing word through a friend.
Profiles with photos get over twice as many responses.
According to economists at MIT and University of Chicago, profiles with photos get over twice as many emails as profiles without them. Sounds like a good enough reason to me to go ahead and put that photo out there on your profile.
You have 15 minutes to make a first impression - if you're a woman, that is.
If you're a man, you have a little more cushion. Women usually take about an hour to decide if you're going to have a second date.
48% of breakups in online relationships occur thru email.
It may seem rude or insensitive, but this is the world we live in, especially in the setting of an online relationship.
Only 2% of men find relationships from a barstool.
This number only goes up to 9% for women. So, get down off that barstool, and try your luck somewhere else, such as online
, or through a network of friend.
Hmmm. Interesting right!? So how do you take this tidbit and slide into 2011 ready for love? Be sure to add a picture to your profile! Don’t go to the bars to find your mate! Be ready to make your first impression last! Don’t take it personally if you receive that dreaded “It’s not you, it’s me…” email and finally network through your friends – where an astonishing 63% found their mates!! 2011 is your year for love. Get yourself out there; know the right one is searching for you just as you are searching for them. And always go back to rule #1 - Have fun! This is a special time in your life. Enjoy it!
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What Motivates YOU?
December 23, 2010 By
Vivien Lake
The New Year is right around the corner. I’m sure many of you have already started to think about your New Year Resolutions. We start to notice little things that can use improvement – I should work out more, join a gym, get more sleep, take vitamins, take better care of myself, meditate, get a better job, find my dream man or woman…..etc. Well, today I want to help. I have compiled an 8-step plan to help you achieve your goals in 2011. Out with the old and in with the new – is a good place to start.
1. Dismiss Nay Sayers – clean house as they say – in order to hook that fish you’ve been fishin for, you have to get around people that uplift you, that believe it can happen for you, who have positive things to say about your search for romance. Hang out with those that are supportive and understanding of your plight to find true love. Don’t worry about what other people say. There will always be people that don’t agree with you, and people that don’t understand or even like your decisions – make the choices that are best for YOU.
2. Take a good look in the mirror – accept what you see, be thankful for your body and how it works, how it enables you to work, to dance, to sing, to drive, etc. Our bodies ache – a wise doctor told me once that the only reason “mother nature” created pain for humans is to teach us to stop what we are doing – pay attention to your body – are you the best you can be? It’s the only one you got – you better learn to appreciate your unique, one- of- a kind body.
3. What’s your story? – What is the story you keep telling yourself? The only perspective we have is our own. You listen to that little voice that questions your every move or tells you your ugly, fat, stupid whatever – after a while you start to believe what is repeated to you over and over. But guess what – change the song and you’ll hear a new tune. You can re-write your story - How do you want to see yourself? What do you choose to say about yourself? How can you change the story so it has a happy ending? You’re life. You’re choice. You’re unique story.
4. Allow others to really know you – Shed the layers. Be yourself. Let your true beauty shine through. Beauty comes from the inside. Have you ever met a beautiful woman or incredibly handsome man and you’re completely entranced until you hear them speak – they are mean or malicious, cocky or self deserving – suddenly they start to lose their luster and eventually you wonder what you ever saw in them in the first place. And you’ve also met that so-so person on the looks scale that has this incredible personality – you get along perfectly and pretty soon – they become more and more handsome or beautiful every day until eventually they are the most beautiful person you ever saw. It’s what’s on the inside that counts.
5. Make a plan – Set realistic goals for yourself – when you reach those mini-goals you’ll gain confidence – like a snowball down a mountain – you’ll gather speed. Make a list. It will feel amazing to cross them out as you achieve them.
6. Celebrate the successes and Learn from the Failures. Pat yourself on the back when you’ve reached a goal. Go out to dinner, treat yourself to a yogurt, a mani-pedi , a beer at the local pub, whatever your pleasure, do it. Treat yourself. Look at what you’ve accomplished. It’s only the beginning. There is never failure only failure to get up. GET UP every time.
7. No Excuses. Excuses hold back millions of people. It doesn’t have to be New Years to start over! You can wipe the slate clean and start fresh RIGHT NOW. Don’t make excuses. Get moving. Be your best you.
8. And finally…CHOOSE Happy – I know I’ve said it before but if you want to truly find happiness, choose happiness. You carry it with you every day. You choose it. You choose your reaction to the rain, the lost keys, the missed bus, the flowers at your doorstep, the sun shining on your face. You may not have control over what happens, but we all have control of how we handle it. Come on. What do you choose?
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From the Inside Out
December 9, 2010 By
Vivien Lake
According to a survey done by It’s Just Lunch News - The dating statistics shows that looks are not that important. 67% of U.S. single men and 86% of U.S. single women find that someone who smiles a lot is a bigger turn-on over someone who is physically attractive, but has no personality. Aside from physical beauty, singles are looking for intelligence, optimistic attitudes, self-confidence, and partners who enjoy the same hobbies and/or interests they do. Similar levels of intelligence are also important. Well-matched couples generally have similar levels of education. People tend to look for partners with whom they can converse at the same level.
As I’ve been saying ladies and gentlemen – be true to yourself; put your best foot forward. Nothing is more attractive than a vibrant personality and a brilliant smile. Nothing is more unappealing than a mopey, quiet person with no personality. Don’t be afraid to be who you are. When you make your Christmas list this year, remember to add your name to it. Do something special for yourself, pamper yourself, buy those amazing boots or that watch you’ve had your eye on –when you feel good about yourself it shines through! I placed those stats for a reason - We are often so caught up in how we look, we want our hair perfect, the perfect outfit, the right car, etc. that we don’t pay attention to how we feel – we could look great in the mirror, but if you feel fat or unattractive or you feel you’re not “good enough” – guess what - they will feel that way about you too. It’s what you’re putting out there –So put out the good and toss out the bad. Know you are enough, be comfortable in your skin and smile. It’s what’s inside that matters – let you’re true nature shine through. Look for the best, hope for the best and chances are you’ll find just what you’re looking for.
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Keeping it real
December 3, 2010 By
Vivien Lake
Most people start dating online because their tired of the game. They are looking for something “real.” Someone they connect with on a deeper level. This is your opportunity folks. To look before you leap, to find out if this person is a good match for you! Love takes time and so should you. Take the time to thoroughly fill out your profile and to really read someone else’s. Sift through the emails and discover the possibilities. I urge you to ask questions! But even more important? Listen closely to the answers. The person for you is out there. True you may have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince/or princess but part of the fun is getting to know that person – even if it doesn’t blossom into romance, you may meet some incredible people along the way. If you were getting a new job you’d do the research on the company first to make sure it was one you wanted to get involved with, right? The same applies here - Do your research and be prepared. Don’t make it all about either of you. This is an opportunity for both of you to assess each other. Talk about your passions and goals and ask them about theirs. The first step to any good relationship is sharing – is communication. Love isn’t easy – there are websites, books, courses, gurus and experts dedicated to this “game of love” - be your own guru, become your own expert - chances are if you open up and let go of your fears, then so will they.
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Cold Nights…Hot Dates
November 24, 2010 By
Vivien Lake
When I think of dating in the winter my mind fills with cozy nights by a fire and curling up with some hot tea and a blanket with a good book or movie. While it’s important to make plenty of time for those moments in your life, don’t let the cold weather stop you! It may be cold, rainy or even snowing but here are some tips to help heat up your night (or day) and help break the ice. Be spontaneous – choose some fun things to do together that will bring you closer and help you decide if this is “The One.” When’s the last time you’ve been ice skating? You’re a little wobbly? Guess what, you’ve just created the perfect opportunity to hold on to your date! Looking for something a little less dangerous? Take a trip to the harbor for the Parade of Lights - Christmas boat show - a hot cocoa in one hand and hot date in the other this is yet another chance to cuddle with that special someone. The annual Tree Lighting Festivals around town is also a fun way to get closer to your date and experience a beautiful ritual. If you’re feeling adventurous why not go skiing or snowboarding for the day – leave time to build a snowman and have snow ball fight! Wanna stick around town? Call up your new love interest and take a stroll under an umbrella, allowing time to stop for lunch - the soft patter of the rain can be relaxing and romantic. The winter months can be coooold, but you’re dates don’t have to be. The possibilities are endless in this snuggle friendly weather - take a deep breath, call that someone you’ve been dying to call and simply invite them for coffee.
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Get Involved this holiday season
November 16, 2010 By
Vivien Lake
From this relationship survey Chadwick Martin Bailey (CMB) concluded several interesting findings. Marriage Survey - 7000 participants
• 38 percent of couples who married in the last year met through work or school
• 27 percent of couples who married in the last year met through a friend or family.
• 17 percent of couples who married met on a online dating site. (1 in 6 couples)
• Bars, Clubs and other social events counted for only 8 percent of marriages.
• Churches counted for 4 percent of marriages.
Interesting statistics, don’t you think? You never know where you just might meet that special someone. This holiday season, do yourself a favor – say “Yes” more often. Accept invitations: Don’t run the other way when the words “holiday party” or “family get-togethers” sting your ears. Get involved, mingle with your co-workers, volunteer, be a “secret Santa”, join another friends/or families Thanksgiving tradition! You just might be surprised at the joy of new people and experiences that come your way! Just because you may be single this holiday season doesn’t have to make it any less joyful and fulfilling. Be proud that you haven’t settled and continue the great search for love. Good for you! Be proud of where you are in your life, proud of the choices you’ve begun to make and make yourself available. This is a time for the joy of giving. Give yourself a break and start enjoying where you are in your life. Single or not – You still ROCK!
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To Thy Self Be True
November 9, 2010 By
Vivien lake
The great search for love can be fun and educational. You’ve signed up for an on-line dating service hoping to bridge the waters from you to the other side of singletown. The mere fact that you’ve put that first foot forward is a step in the right direction. You have to put yourself in the ocean if you want to get hooked. The average single--man or woman--will go on 100 dates before finding their life mate. What a great opportunity! With each date, you learn a little bit more about yourself. You start to figure out what you don’t want which of course helps you to understand what you DO want. Be assertive – don’t leave it all up to your date to decide - know some restaurants you may want to try out or some places around town you’d like to see. Be open to try new things. Take a good look at your potential partner; their character, values, personality, sense of humor, their words versus their actions, their relationships with others, are they open with you, honest? Sometimes it helps to make a list and become really clear on whom it is you’re looking for. Be realistic with yourself and your expectations, but don’t settle for less. Life is too short and you deserve the BEST!
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Don’t Worry, Be Happy...
November 2, 2010 By
Vivien Lake
We’ve all been there… with our personal agendas and expectations of how our relationship, date, or evening should unfold. We’ve pictured every last detail… then the inevitable happens, the other person doesn’t live up to your expectations, they have an entirely different agenda! Maybe they had planned to go out with the guys/or have a girls night or they have a deadline to meet and have to work late. Maybe when they get home they dart directly to the computer or video games with barely a glance in your direction- making you feel as if all of those things are more important than YOU! Guess what! It’s not their problem; it’s yours. And what else? …It’s not always about you. It’s never fair to put our expectations on others, how can they ever live up? The only person to make you happy is….YOU! I hate to say it, but it’s your responsibility. I know it’s much easier to make it the other person (whether friend, date, lover or husband)’s job, but I’m here to tell you, it needs to be less about them and more about you.
My advice is simple – find a hobby, pursue your passion - don’t have one? Get one!! Go out and find something of your own, whether painting, writing, journaling, watching movies, blogging, reading, sculpting, gaming, take a class, volunteer. Bottom line…do something for you, something that makes you happy – so when you have time on your hands, you’ll have something to look forward to. It is really very freeing. You’ll no longer look at free time as boring and lonesome, you’ll begin to see it as an opportunity to cultivate and master the thing it is you love. Think of your “giving” cup and every time you do for others you empty your cup just a little – pretty soon if you don’t refill your cup – by doing things that make you happy and fulfilled - you’re cup goes dry and you have nothing left to give, instead you feel stressed, resentful and unhappy. By taking care of you, you can take care of others. Be happy to light your path alone, enjoy every step and when you meet that special someone it just makes your path a little brighter. Enjoy your own company and others will. I urge you to take responsibility for your happiness today. You choose. Live. Laugh. Love. Be happy.
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Fine Art of Flirting
October 26, 2010 By
Vivien Lake
Flirting has existed since Adam and Eve, helping in the selection process of animals and humans in choosing potential mates or in your case, dates. Use it but don’t abuse it. It’s a fine line. Flirting is how we can let the other person know we are interested…or NOT. A little flattery never hurt anyone, right? Whether it’s a stolen glance at the super market or a playful email or chat; pay attention to the cues – the ones you’re giving AND getting. It can be especially hard to decipher a tone in an email or chat. Keep it lighthearted and don’t take it too seriously. Flirting can lead to a friendly conversation, a hot date or simply fizzle to nothing at all. Don’t take it personally – if they don’t return you’re flirt or you don’t return theirs, it’s better to know up front. Try to think of it like dipping your toe in the river for the first time – if the water is too cold, forget it - back away - but if it is warm and feels good, you can ease you’re way in and still have the chance to get out before you’re in over your head. So take those socks/or stockings off and dip your toe in, you may be surprised at how warm the water is. Either way you’ll be glad you checked the water first, before diving in.
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Why Lie?
October 19, 2010 By
Vivien Lake
It is said that at online dating sites, men lie most about their age, height, and income. While women lie mostly about their weight, physical build, and age. My question is: why? With online dating half the battle is already won for you. No awkward getting to know you first dates; you get to find out a lot of the gritty details BEFORE you even decide if its a good match for you. If you (or your date) were less than truthful about yourself, than what should be an exciting first date, will be your last - when you discover he is 3 inches shorter or she is 30 pounds heavier than what you were expecting. If youre truly searching for that soul mate, that once in a lifetime love of your life, then tell the truth. Be honest with yourself and about yourself and youll attract that special person looking for someone EXACTLY LIKE
YOU!
This Halloween practice taking your mask OFF rather than putting one on. Cast your fears aside, be proud of who you are and youll find what youre
really
looking for and so will they.
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Looking for Love?
October 12, 2010 By
Vivien Lake
For you and millions of others the answer is assuredly, “yes!” There isn’t a human being out there that doesn’t want to love and be loved. That is our nature. The good news – There is someone for everyone – no, really. There is someone for you. What does it boil down to? Location, location, location. Did you know that in a report done by The Boston Globe in 2008, there were more than 89 thousand more single men than women in the LA, Long Beach and Santa Ana areas? So Ladies, head west and gentlemen if you’re having a hard time finding a good woman – you may want to go East! Turns out there are more than 200 thousand single women than men in Boston, New York, New Jersey areas. (That would certainly explain the correlation from Forbes.com naming Atlanta, New York and Boston as the hot cities for singles!)
Thanks to advanced technology and online dating the two can meet in the middle. So if the “dating scene” sucks where you are – turn to the virtual screen and find your mate!
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Advantages of Online Dating
October 11, 2010 By
Jessi
Online dating offers freedom, convenience and the ability to find exactly what you are looking for. The benefits of online dating can be a fun, safe, and simple way to connect with others. You have the option of searching for other members, or just upload your profile and wait for them to find you. To get started, simply answer a few questions about yourself, upload a photo and you are ready to begin the world of online dating. Unlike local dating, online dating allows you to connect with members all over the world, from the privacy of your own home. Many dating sites charge membership or messaging fees. Online dating at
Zyngle.com
is totally free. Since there are never any charges, the number of members grows quickly each day. If you are single and looking for love, online dating is a great way to find that special someone.
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New York is top 'single' city in US
October 4, 2010 By
Dan
According to a recent Forbes.com survey, New York has bumped Atlanta, also called 'Hotlanta' out of the top spot for best 'city for singles'. The poll included 40 major US cities and asked questions important to singles such as cost of living, nightlife, jobs, online dating, and ratio of singles.
This was the first time New York had acheived the top spot. The main factor was online dating at sites like
Zyngle.com
. New York has more singles with active online dating profiles than any other US city. Changes in the economy may have also been a factor. Many New Yorkers may have changed their priorities from earning high salaries to finding fulfillment with love instead.
Following New York is Boston, Chicago, Seattle and Washington D.C.
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